Three Countries In One Day

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London to Oxford by Bicycle.

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Possibly the best hotel in Malcesine

We enjoyed our stay at the three-star Hotel Erika

The personal touch makes this hotel. This is because the friendly owner, Erika, also runs the reception and bar. As such, she is able to: interact with her guests in an organic way and build relationships (however fleeting).

The antithesis to the usual travel experience.

A room with a view at Hotel Erika by Steve Cooke

We arrived at 10am and were able to check in straight-away. This obviously depends on whether the rooms are ready or not - but some hotels can be unnecessarily arsey about this.

Our friends also stayed at the hotel for their honeymoon evening. Erika intuitively arranged for rose-petals to be spread over their bed. Also, as a lovely gesture, on check-out - we were all given a paint-print of Malcesine castle.

The room was spotlessly clean and the bathroom immaculate and modern. Shower only - no bath. Most hotels in Malcesine are tired. Not the Erika. It was the most contemporary we saw.

In a perfect world the Erika would be by the lake or have lake views. However the location is still good. It is only a few minutes walk downhill through narrow cobbled streets to the harbour and water. A few minutes only if you are not distracted by the endless rows of handbags, man-bags, jewellery, knick-knacks and shoes. Then there are the intimate and lively piazzas full of restaurants and gelaterias to contend with.


Malcesine from Strada Panoramica by Steve Cooke

As a side note: restaurants in Malcesine are warm and personal. Unsurprisingly, there is only Italian food on the menu. If you are looking for a decent gelato (made in-store with fresh fruit, cream or chocolate) - go somewhere else. Preferably Verona.

The rooms are a decent size (at a guess 25 - 30 sq/m) and all have balconies. We had a room with a view. Ask for number 16. It looks-on-to the castle - a stone's throw away.

Internet access can be bought for 3.00€ for one-hour (or 7.00€ for three-hours) however access is restricted to the bar, dinning area and garden. No Internet in the bedrooms.

The breakfast was the normal by European standards. That is to say the standard fare: breads, spreads, muesli, cereal, coffee, tea. You can have your egg any style you like - so long as it is boiled.

The rooms cost about 120.00€ per-night in July (2009). An advance deposit was necessary via International Bank transfer. In addition the hotel doesn't take credit cards (cash only). Fiddly. In fairness, this is not unique to the Erika and is typical of small hotels in Italy.

However, when all said and done - were the question asked: would I stay there again? The answer would be: definitely.

Website: Hotel Erika

Hong Kong

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QANTArSe

QANTArSe. I would like to say what a shambles, but that would denote a level of disorganisation. I conclude, based on my experiences (details below), that the airline has the typical structured contempt that corporations reserve for cattle, I mean customers, who deviate from an intentionally-set narrow norm.

In several linked episodes over a week, I encountered:

Jumping-through-hoops to amend a (changeable) reservation due to bereavement. In addition the change had the obvious benefit of saving the airline money. It would take four passengers off a full-flight (Qantas could then resell the seats for a higher fare) and put them onto a half-empty plane. Not even a Qantas UK corporate account sales manager could arrange this. The matter had to be referred to Australia, where it was midnight and nobody was available to authorise. In the meantime - a bereaved family were left in a limbo while available Qantas flights left without them.

To be fair the Qantas airfares were cheap and not everyone was a disempowered indifferent prevaricating jobsworth.

The complete inability to seat two-people together two-weeks in advance (on the return) when the seats were available. The request was made due to bereavement.

My wife nearly being left-behind because of an oversold flight and misrepresentations (to be kind) about the status of her reservation and seats. It was only because I was assertive that a seat miraculously appeared.

Later, nearly an hour's wait at the understaffed Heathrow Qantas ticket desk (only one staff member) to have an last-minute e-Ticket issued. This is despite the fact it was booked directly through a Qantas call centre. As it was midnight in Auckland, New Zealand (where the call had diverted) - I can only presume all their ticketing-staff had gone home.


QANTAS: The Spirit of Australia wordpress.com

A big song-and-dance when I asked to have laptop-computer charged on-board. Qantas please note: Etihad and Korean, whom I have flown with in the past - both have sockets under their economy seats.

Then there were hand-luggage Nazis at Melbourne airport. I had to check-in a bag that was one-kilo over the seven-kilo limit. This may be due to Tullamarine Airport restrictions (I can only imagine that you are able to buy more duty-free if you are not overloaded). However, It would not surprise me if Qantas and other airlines were complicit in this arrangement (Commission?).

To be fair the Qantas airfares were cheap and not everyone was a disempowered indifferent prevaricating jobsworth. We did encounter some cheerful and helpful people (the gate staff in Melbourne)

Actually I'm sure the front-line staff are doing the best job possible with the resources at hand and the authority available.

But excuses aside - the whole experience was bloody hard work.

The quality of brand Australia is being eroded by the standard set by the managers of its flag carrier.

It might be time to roll-out some hotties in bikinis. An international advertising campaign might repair the damage.

So where the bloody hell are you? could be the slogan.

The answer to that might be: I'm in London. I was bumped off my flight.

If this is the Spirit of Australia, then I'm off to New Zealand.

The Free Press

This week sees twenty-years pass since the massacre of anti-authoritarian [not pro-democracy] demonstrators in Beijing's Tiananmen Square.


wordpress.com

According to Reporters Without Borders (RSF) - many locals are not even aware there is anything to commemorate.

"The information blackout has been enforced so effectively for 20 years that most young Chinese are completely unaware of this major event".

RSF could also write an article about the anonymous UK European Elections. It wouldn't take long. They could lift whole passages from the Tiananmen Square article.

It would read:

"The information blackout has been enforced so effectively for 20 years that most young Britons are completely unaware of this major event".

Apparently tomorrow, the fourth of June, we elect a new European Parliament.

Not that you would know it from our free press.

The dark side of Dubai

I'm not really sure how to categorise this Dubai article by Johann Hari.

Is it travel? investigative journalism? geo-politics? a hatchet job?

Perhaps it is all-of-the-above - and more.

It is certainly one of the best articles I have ever read. The warts and all review of the Middle-East oasis is a tonic to the usual tepid aspartame-sweet verisimilitude served-up.



The Emirate is the backdrop for what feels like movie script except here the plot-lines do not interweave and the characters exist in close proximity but complete isolation from one another.

Their experiences swing between unashamed hedonism to essentially what constitutes state sponsored slavery.

On the basis of this article - Dubai deserves a good metaphorical kicking. And then some.

However, some there could feel hard done by. Dubai is a microcosm of the West, and for all intents - created by the West. It is an aspirational clone.

When you point one finger - three point back at you. All that is good and bad about Western capitalism can be found there.

An equally-scathing article could be written about the UK for example.

A country with:

• thousands of child sex-slaves
• where people die for eleven-pence an hour
• where sweat-shops exist
• where every day you can pass beggars and homeless people.

I can only imagine we have been programmed not to see the un-people in our midst. They don't exist, or they choose their vocations. Much like in Dubai.

A cynic might conclude on the evidence that Dubai's real sin is to be obvious, crass & unrepentant.

Johann's article brilliantly highlights man's active and passive inhumanity to man, but it should not stop with a good-hard-look at Dubai.

It should give us pause-for-thought and make us have a good-hard-look at ourselves, as a society and as individuals.

The Independent 07 April 2009: The dark side of Dubai

Another Spring Thing 2

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A Spring Thing

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The Sheep Conspiracy

End Child Poverty

End Child Poverty.

I don't think it's such a good idea.

Imagine the mayhem created by six-year-olds with tonka-truck-loads of cash.

It would be like living next-door to Jonathan Ross when Russell Brand drops-by.

Presumably if there are children in poverty - there are parents in poverty.

If we cash-up all the kids, and not the grown-ups - parent poverty will become a serious issue.

Maybe charities should focus on parent poverty. An end to child poverty may even follow.

NEXT WEEK: Save the Children

Baby Buggy Blues

Why is it that parents of small children lose all sense of social decorum, decency and courtesy in public?

I have just returned from a shopping expedition barely in one piece after being cut-up by a mad driver.

She was pushing a pram. At least I think it was a pram. It looked more like the double-decker cockpit of a helicopter gunship on wheels. It was about the same size.

It was being aggressively flown down George Street by a mother [and I mean that in both senses of the word] utterly oblivious to the mayhem created.

It almost forced me off the pavement and into the path of oncoming traffic.

It’s not the first time that this has happened to me.

The peril seems to be especially prevalent in well-to-do suburbs like Kew and Richmond. Places you might expect the locals to know better. You would think.

In shops I’m frequently gob-smacked by parents who park their mini monster-trucks at right angles across a thoroughfare and then choose to stand in whatever gap remains.

On the street, petite Chelsea-tractors are thrust into bottlenecks forcing pedestrians to step aside or get dragged under the rapidly-churning off-road wheels.

Not a thank-you, smile or nod to be heard or seen.

Two or three buggies abreast cause pedestrians to curtail their commute to take refuge on the road.

Were the results of this behaviour instigated by young men with hooded track-tops there would be a deluge of front-page headlines and ASBOs abound.

Perhaps anti-social parents should be given the benefit-of-the-doubt.

I would guess that many used to be quite pleasant and considerate.

That was until their whole world began to revolve around these wee bundles-of-joy after they came kicking-and-screaming into the universe.

Because of the abuse, many now suffer a temporary form of insanity caused by sleep depravation or a hormone imbalance.

It's either that or a variant form of the God complex.

They believe that they, and their bonny bundle, have been elevated to a Madonna-and-baby like status and the general public should part like the Red Sea in their presence.

The latter would explain why the conduct is rife in posher places.

As speed cameras and Icelandic banks fail to raise expected revenues - local authorities are on the look out for innovative new ways to relieve residents of their cash.

A pushchair congestion charge should be right-up-their-alley.
The infrastructure is already set-up with CCTV cameras on every corner [which is an issue to be discussed later].

Any buggy bigger than a smart car can attract the top tariff, while streamline versions can be exempted. Incentives can be made to use baby backpacks.

It won’t make manners - but it may minimise the menace.

NEXT WEEK - Should crying babies in public constitute a public nuisance?

No Ifs No Buts [part two]

The Department for Work and Pensions continues to terrorise the public with its advertising campaign - NO IFS NO BUTS.

It highlights the tough line the government agency takes with those who misuse public funds.

To date no posters have been put-up around the halls of Westminster Palace.



Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has claimed over £116,000 in second home expenses for the house her husband and children live in. She says she lives with her sister. That's not what her neighbour says [BBC].

No Business Like Snow Business

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UK Jewish MP: Israel acting like Nazis in Gaza

When In Rome

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Korean Air [Review]

Once you get over the initial excitement of economy-class long-haul plane travel - it all pretty much sucks.

However, some long-haul airlines suck less than others - Korean Air is one of these.

If you are going to be locked-up in a tin can for an obscene amount of time - the best you can hope for is that: you don't have to pay too much for the pleasure; the flight is as quick as possible; the trolley dollies flight attendants are pleasant; and the safety videos are mildly erotic.

That's why I'll fly Korean Air again.

From the logo - you could be forgiven for thinking that Korean Air is a Pepsi Cola brand

THE SUCK SCALE
SCALE: 0 PLANES - SUCKS THE LEAST; 10 PLANES - SUCKS THE MOST



LAST AIRLINE REVIEWED: ETIHAD 2/10

THE PROS

• Under-seat sockets for laptop plugs
• four-star accommodation included in the cost of the flight [where no same-day longhaul connection exists to/from Australia & New Zealand]
• Comparatively cheap compared to other airlines
• Skyteam Frequent Flier Points
• Fast and friendly

	From the plane window, blurred city lights resemble Jackson Pollock artwork

THE CONS

• No seat back monitor between Seoul and Auckland
• No foot-rests
• Hostess unable to lend me an adapter for the two-pin socket under the seat [Etihad Airways once managed to find me one]

THE BITS & BOBS

I travelled out in September 2008 in economy class between London & Auckland.

The ticket cost £760 return all-in - £200 less than the next cheapest airfare I could find for my dates.

A travel visa is not necessary for transit or stopover when travellers use a NZ, AU, GB passport [90 days] or US passport [30 days].

For up-to-date visa & passport details - visit the website travel agents use: http://www.uk.cibt.com/ [log-in as 'guest']

The flight time is broken-up almost perfectly - each leg is about eleven-hours. In addition there is only one change of plane.

Korean Air operates a Boeing 747-400 between London & Seoul and then a 777-200 down to Auckland.

The over-all flight time is faster than even Air New Zealand.

The connection time on the way out is three-hours.

On the way back there is an overnight stay - great if you are not in a hurry.

	It was a relief to walk around the airport after the claustrophobic confines of the plane

ON THE PLANE

The seat-pitch on Korean Air is pretty decent compared to other airlines.

When I say 'decent,' it's not degrees of comfort I'm referring to - rather degrees of discomfort.

Korean Air is less uncomfortable than other carriers.

Between London and Seoul the seat-pitch is 34-inches; From Seoul down to Auckland it is 33-inches. For context - the typical BA economy seat-pitch is 31-inches.

Those extra few inches help. It means when the person in front of you reclines their seat - your whole face does not irradiated by their seat-back screen. It also means that your knees are not wrapped around your ears. A problem for most, except: Romanian gymnasts; Bikram yogis; or dwarves. None of which are known to ply the route to the antipodes. Much to our disappointment.

The 747 has a row configuration of 3-4-3, except at the back - where the plane narrows to 2-4-2. I always try and get a side seat there. It means you don't have to crawl over as many people to go to the loo - or have them crawl over you.

Korean Air has no scruples in arming its passengers with steel cutlery - which is the safer option really

An additional bonus is that Korean Air put the headphone socket on the front of the armrest. This makes a pleasant change to the airlines who place it on the inside arm so it digs in to your thigh. Especially troublesome for those apportioned with a generous flanks.

The little things make a big difference. On the 747 the aisle arm-rests come-up [There is a latch under the arm at the base] for a little extra lateral room - but not on the 777.

There is room for improvement, most notably - Korean Air need to add foot-rests. They lift your legs off the seat to permit easy blood circulation and prevent blood clots. A condition known as Economy Class Syndrome or Deep Vein Thrombosis.

A simple addition that prevents death might be worthy of consideration.

Another demonstration in design master class is the placement of the seat-back remote on the top of the armrest. It means you can unwittingly turn your seat into the world's highest disco. The overhead light turns on-and-off and the flight attendant's bell 'ding dings' as your elbow runs along the console buttons.

Finally, both planes have single middle armrests only - except the very middle seat of the 777. It means elbow wars with you neighbours - especially at meal-times.

For an experiment, at home tonight - try to eat dinner with your elbows glued to your ribs.

	Incheon is one of the world's busiest airports with over 30 million passengers a year

SOCKETS

Round two-pin Asian sockets are under the seats in economy. This fact alone means Korean Air lose a star on the 'Suck Scale'. Bring your own adapter plug.

MEALS

Korean Air has no scruples in arming its passengers with steel cutlery - which is the safer option really.

Plastic cutlery can easily be snapped in to sharp dagger-like shanks; planes hijacked - then flown in to a sky-scrappers. Sound implausible? None-the-less, it's tougher to do this with butter knives.

Western and Asian meal options were available on each flight. I turned my nose up at the chicken, beef & fish and decided to try a few different Eastern treats.

The same meals were served on each flight. If this were prison, there would be a riot. There is only so much seaweed soup, pumpkin porridge and rice cakes a man can take.

If only the Korean Air bibimbap looked this good Image available from Flickr

The main was called Bibimbap. It is a mixture of rice, bean-shoots, lettuce, cucumber, pickles, finely minced beef, sesame seed oil, and hot red pepper paste. It was pretty bland really, but nutritious and light - so good for a long flight.

THE TOILETS

Toilets on airplanes are like plastic coffins - with amenities. It says a lot about the cramped conditions that a visit to the toilet is something to look forward to.

I went for the space, squirty bottles and music. And something to do. There I was soothed by Pachelbel’s Canon. It's ironic that one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever composed is named after heavy artillery.

On the sinks sat moisturiser and toilet water. Not splash-back from the bowl, rather eau-de-toilet. A few squirts of the refreshing pine and musk fragrance transformed the cubicle into a damp forest edge. I flushed the toilet and added a waterfall effect.

ENTERTAINMENT

In the old days to entertain yourself, you would try to read a book or talk to other passengers - whether they liked it or not.

These days most airlines provide seat-back entertainment systems. It means you can now comfortably ignore the person three inches away from you for eleven consecutive hours.

The 747 between London and Seoul had a 21cm seat-back touch-screen which showed a selection of on-demand: games, films, TV shows and documentaries.

There were more movies than you could shake a stick at. Over 50 of them. They covered everything from Hollywood Hits to Asian Cinema.

I watched a Korean film with English subtitles called BA:BO. A wholesome concert pianist returns to her village after ten years in Europe and decides to hang out with a brothel pimp and the village idiot.


BA:BO trailer on YouTube

I initially thought the relationships were unlikely, but if Rupert Murdoch [who looks more like a Sith Lord as each day passes] can hook up with Wendi Deng - I suppose anything is possible.


Rupert Murdoch / Emperor Palpatine

The airline also showed a documentary titled: 'The Great Global Warming Swindle'. It correlated climate change much more closely to solar activity than carbon emissions – which are random by comparison.


The Great Global Warming Swindel on garagetv

A neat piece of education by, err… a member of the carbon producing aviation industry.

To consolidate their position as Carbon Deniers [They'll be forbidden from flying to Germany soon, or its executives expediently extradited under the new European Arrest Warrants], Korean Air do not have a programme to offset passengers' carbon emissions.

But I crap on digress...

The last time I saw such intense concentration and deliberate movements combined with a partially open mouth and demure eyes flicking-up with long lingered looks to the camera – Debbie was in the process of doing Dallas...

The in-flight entertainment system has ten games. They are mostly generic computer games like Tetris or dice and board. Bored games if you are under 20-years-old. The chess is Mickey Mouse - metaphorically that is. Were it literally Mickey Mouse – it might have some novelty value.

The entertainment on the 777 was almost back to the bad old days of air travel. I would not have been surprised to see people sleeping on the floor or smoking. Screens dropped from the ceiling at what seemed like 50m intervals. Unfortunately my binoculars has been confiscated by security. Lucky I had my laptop though [I bought an adapter plug at Incheon]. I could now ignore my next door neighbour without guilt.

Incheon International Airport may be too modern & sterile for those used to 'third world' airports like Heathrow

INCHEON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

Incheon is the main international gateway for Korea. The capital, Seoul, is about 50km away.

The airport is an oasis of calm and civility. multi-story-high exposed steel girders and glass walls create space and room to circulate air and light. It was a relief from the claustrophobic confines of the plane. Tranquil even.

There is noise – but not much. The International Terminal is more akin to a library than an airport. It’s so quiet that you can hear footsteps on the marble floors. People talk in muted whispers – if they talk at all. The tannoy announcements are so gentle you need to strain to hear them

There are lounges with big comfy chairs where you can plug in your own computer [once you buy an International adapter] and connect to the Internet for free. Otherwise there are Mac notebooks with free Internet access – although some are loaded only with Korean language packs.

The airport does disappoint in a few areas. It is too big for one. There are probably quite a few bars and restaurants - but they are spread so far apart - they seem to be almost non-existent. The duty free is unremarkable. Actually the prices are similar to the duty free at other airports. I smell collusion, or is it Issey Miyake - either way something stinks.

You can whittle away the transit time by enjoying free demonstrations of traditional Korean music

STOPOVER ACCOMMODATION PACKAGE

When there is no same-day connecting flight between Australia/New Zealand and the UK - Korean Air provide a complimentary night’s accommodation. It includes meals and transfers.

Once you have paid for your flight ticket in full – get your travel agent to contact Korean Air to request the stopover package. Confirmation takes 24 hours.

The actual hotel and vouchers are not assigned until you arrive at the transfer desk at Incheon airport.

On arrival, go through passport control and collect you bag [unless you have checked it all the way through to London – In which case remember to take out a change of clothes prior].

Once you step in to the arrival hall – the Korean Air transfer desk should be visible in front of you. At the desk your name will be checked from a list [If your Travel Agent has done their job] - and food vouchers given. I was given a breakfast voucher worth KRW 20,000 [£10.00] and a lunch voucher worth KRW 10,000 [£5.00]

The attendant will direct you towards one of many hotel representatives standing nearby.

Korean use different standards of hotels in their stopover programme. If you end up with a chit for the Best Western – ask if you can stay at the Hyatt Regency. it is a four star hotel less than five minutes drive away. Rooms usually cost about £120 per night.

HYATT REGENCY

At the reception I made a mistake in that I didn’t ask for a non-smoking room. Or the receptionist made a mistake in that she never gave me the option. The error became apparent as soon as I opened the door. It was like someone had just waved a full ashtray under my nose. I soon became immune to the stench. The room is what you would expect from Hyatt: tastefully decorated with neutral colours; spacious [30sq/m + at a guess] with a big desk, king-size bed, large bathroom and big TV.

In the morning I put on the room dressing gown - which smelled like cigarette smoke. I made my way downstairs for a swim. Jet-lag has some advantages, at 6am - I had the 25-metre pool all to myself.

After a few laps, I took my voucher to the breakfast restaurant - and helped myself to the buffet. Everything was there, from: cooked breakfast, cereals and fruits to Asian breakfasts.

FREQUENT FLIER PROGRAMME [SKYPASS]

Korean Air is part of Skyteam. It means once you have accrued enough air-miles, they can be redeemed for flights on Korean – or one of its partner airlines. They include: Air France, KLM, Alitalia, Continental and Delta to name a few.

Enrol online: SKYPASS

CHECK-IN

Check-in was painless. In London I checked-in all the way to Auckland and vice-versa on the way back. I was given my boarding pass to the final destination. In both London and Auckland there was no queue at all. I went straight to the check-in counter.

ONBOARD SERVICE

The flight attendants were all young and beautiful with easy smiles and a warm seemingly sincere charm. They liked their jobs.

The one in the seat-belt safety video liked her job too - a lot. It was almost C grade smut. It certainly had my attention – which is the point I suppose.

The last time I saw such intense concentration and deliberate movements combined with a partially open mouth and demure eyes flicking-up with long lingered looks to the camera – Debbie was in the process of doing Dallas...

Bambi Woods stars in the classic 70's skin flick Debbie Does Dallas. Image available from: xratedcollection.com

I'm willing to bet that less people are injured on Korean Air due to in-flight turbulence than any other airline.

Safety first after all...

Kettle Etiquette

My name is Steve Cooke and I’m a refiller. Every time I use the kettle, I replace the water – up to the top. I reckon it is the nice thing to do - it saves the next person from a job.

I figure it is more efficient as well. Hot water can be poured into a cup and the kettle refilled from the tap immediately after - in a single physical transaction. It also means the kettle needs to be refilled less often.

Thoughtful & labour efficient - what could be better? You would think.

My efforts to standardise house kettle practice armed with logic and consideration have been met with ferocious resistance - especially by Fill-As-You-Go Theorists.

In an effort to: undermine The Refiller Technique; discredit its proponents; and promote their own agenda – Fill-As-You-Go Theorists have muddied the water with their own interpretation of convenience and social decorum.

They claim that: Time; Energy Conservation; and Water Freshness outweigh the benefits created by consideration and labour efficiency.

This article investigates the veracity of these claims and looks at other factors, such as: Health & Safety; Economic; and Social Considerations.

Time

Time is relative according to Physicist Albert Einstein.

As such, to truly understand time in this context would be to also understand a key component to the order of the universe - such as The Quantum Zeno Effect.

If quantum mechanics are then applied to this debate, and the Fill-As-You-Go Theorist is a kettle watcher - then the time taken for the kettle to boil can not be calculated.

A watched pot never boils and all.

If they are a multi-tasker, then they have other things to do - in which case the time taken for the kettle to boil becomes irrelevant.

Then there are other factors - none the least: how individual brains are hardwired to operate their own frequencies and the effect this has in the interpretation of time.

We could throw a psychology variable in for good measure as well.

Excess Energy Consumption

While The Refiller Technique does use excess electricity – it, in-it-self can not be held responsible for political decisions to use non-renewable dirty fuels as primary energy sources.

Many governments are now scaling back their nuclear and fossil fuel programmes in favour of renewable and clean: hydro, wave, wind and solar power.

If projections prove correct, eventually renewable energy will be so plentiful and cheap that any concerns about excess energy consumption will become irrelevant.

Water Freshness

In the UK, the perfect cup-of-tea is a science: water, tea, sugar and milk - all of the right quality; in the right proportions; and in the right order.

Therefore, repeatedly boiled water, sitting in the kettle for an indeterminate period of time - is a threat to the Great British cuppa.

It is hardly surprising that Fill-As-You-Go Theorists have drawn a line in the sand.

However, this line conveniently ignores the fact that tap water has been recycled. It has been treated eight times and has probably spent much more than a few hours sitting in lead, copper or plastic pipes en route to the kitchen tap.

Other factors that invalidate the water quality component of the Fill-As-You-Go Theorist’s argument are: the lack of clear guidelines when water loses its freshness - does it become stale: one minute, one hour, or one day after it leaves the tap? How does room temperature affect the quality?

Also, no effort has been made to analyse kettle use frequency – or to document peak and off-peak times.

Health & Safety

The more physical transactions that are made with the kettle, the more likely there are to be spills - and injuries caused by slips.

Water that resides in a stainless steel kettle is less likely to accumulate undesirable toxic residues than liquid left in metal or plastic pipes.

Cooled boiled water is sterilised. Re-boiling sterilised water is safer to drink.

Economic Considerations

The more a kettle is used – the shorter its life. The end result is a greater kettle turnover.

Economies of scale means: the more kettles that are produced – the cheaper they become.

Excessive consumerism stimulates both the local and global economies and creates more jobs and wealth.

Social Considerations

Globalisation and excessive consumerism contribute to: social, economic and political stability. This means fewer conflicts - such as wars.

Conclusion

The Refiller Technique is both progressive and visionary. It provides livelihoods; is thoughtful; time & labour efficient. It saves money; is better for health; prevents injuries and saves lives.

Footnote

My traumatised flatmate has decided to buy his own kettle.

NEXT WEEK: Peg Etiquette

Should pegs be left on the line; placed in a basket; or dropped on the ground?

'Selfless' Trainee Doctor Keeps Giving

A young Cambridge woman who studies medicine at Trinity Hall has been recognised for her diverse volunteering and efforts to help others in despite of the demands of her own hectic schedule.

Trainee doctor Kristie Bewers was put forward for a SkillsTrain Young People of the Year Award, or ‘YOPEY’ after she put her studies aside to help: a local girl guides unit; children from disadvantaged families; and act as a mentor to her peers.

The twenty-two-year-old’s time and energy was not limited to local causes - but also extended to Africa after a medical placement in Malawi.

The Felixstowe native is now in with a chance to win a share from a £2000 cash prize pool and to attend an awards ceremony in Cambridgeshire.

The nomination comes after her boyfriend recognised that Kristie possessed the same qualities as last years’ YOPEY finalist after he read about them in the Cambridge Evening News.

Tom Cock described Kristie as ‘dedicated’. "She fundamentally believes in the things that she does," he said. "I suppose selfless would be the best way to describe it".

"She really puts herself out there," he continued. "Despite the enormous amount of time this requires and her incredibly demanding career choice".

YOPEY aims to reveal, recognise and reward positive young role models like Kristie. It hopes a more accurate picture of the younger generation will reassure adults and inspire other youngsters to give to the community.

It is the creation of former national newspaper journalist Tony Gearing. The Hertfordshire father of two teenagers has seen the idea grow and spread into 22 successful awards ceremonies over six counties.

Kristie chose to study medicine through a combination of interest and altruism. "I like the science, the problem solving," she said. "Then applying that to people in every day life and being able to help them".

She can be found demonstrating those principles a couple of hours every week at St Johns Church in Hills Rd with the 5th Cambridge Guides.

As a volunteer and occasional acting guide leader - she assists planning activities, organising trips, overseeing semi-educational games and tasks.

"I enjoy what the girls get out of it," she said. "You get to know them and you get to know an entire spectrum of the community which is really nice".

Kristie’s volunteering also touches other spectrums in the community. She runs a project through her university called ‘Student Community Action’.

For confidentiality reasons, she is reluctant to name the actual organisation she helps - but it essentially involves taking children from disadvantaged families to the park once a week.

We play: football, tag, frisbee - that sort of thing, she said, "like you would with your children in your back garden".

"The mothers are pleased and really grateful to us," she said. "For many it’s the first time they’ve had to themselves in weeks".

It’s not only Guides and the disadvantaged that have benefited from Kristie’s help – but also her peers.

As the Trinity Hall Welfare Officer, she gave up a couple-of-hours a month to listen and give advise to students with: health, relationship or study issues.

"It was very good we were there," she said. "It was a supportive role – you mainly told people what they already knew".

She has just come back from Malawi where she completed a medical elective in the small town of Nkhoma, near the capital Lilongwe, with the Church Of Central Africa Presbyterian Mission.

"I went out to learn tropical medicine," she said, "but you receive other training so you can help out where you can".

"I would see patients to ease the doctors’ workloads, do things like change wound dressings".

The experience has given her a new perspective.

"It makes you realise that a lot of medical problems are to so with infrastructure," she said. "No one here would walk for two hours to see a doctor - it makes you appreciate the NHS".

Nominations are now open for YOPEY Cambridgeshire.

Visit www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves.

Nominees must be aged between 10-25, live, work or study in the county, and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

Reformed Gavin listed for award

Article Published with a byline in the regional newpaper Luton Today [27 August 2008]

A Luton teenager whose life threatened to go off the rails after a family tragedy has managed to bring himself back from the brink and use his troubled past in a positive way.

16-year-old Gavin O’Brien uses his experiences, which include: school exclusions; drug use; aggressive behaviour; bullying; bereavement and past learning difficulties, to help others as a Peer Mentor at Stopsley High School.

Learning Mentor Angela Peck was so impressed by how he has: "effectively supported a number of students break down their barriers to learning," and his "enthusiasm and his determination to succeed," that she has nominated him for a SkillsTrain Young Person of the Year Award in Bedfordshire, also known as YOPEY.

If short-listed, Gavin has the chance to: attend a local award ceremony; mingle with his peers, sponsors and local dignitaries; and be in with a chance to win cash from a £2000 prize pool.

YOPEY is the creation of former national journalist Tony Gearing. Its aims to: reveal, recognise and reward youngsters in what it calls the YOPEY ‘Three Rs’.

The Hertfordshire father of two teens hopes that YOPEY acts as an incentive for more youngsters to make community contributions and creates a more accurate youth image in the media.

Gavin’s problems began ten-years-ago, when he was six-years-old. He was at home with his twin brother when a fire broke out. Gavin managed to escape the burning house but Sean died in the fire.

Gavin blames himself and has lived with the guilt since. It has affected his behaviour. Bouts of aggression led to school exclusions and it was not until he was year five that he resumed full-time education.

Gavin arrived at Stopsley High School in 2003 with what Angela describes as: "a statement for behaviour issues and learning difficulties".

Years outside of full-time education meant: "his numeracy and literacy levels were way below average," said Angela.

The specialist sports college has provided the perfect platform for Gavin to develop both personally and educationally. He benefits from the discipline that sport offers.

The Manchester United fan plays and is passionate about football. He also plays rugby and participates in athletics. "I use sport to control my temper," he said. "If I can control my temper on the field, I can control it off the field".

Like many youngsters, he prefers action to words. "I go to anger management classes", he said, "but they don’t really help".

With help from a teaching assistant and support from the school - Gavin has managed to catch-up academically. He has just finished his GCSEs and is optimistic about his marks. "I get my results this month," he said. "I did better than I thought I would".

He credits his success to both Angela and Stopsley High School. "Angela is very good support for me," he said. "I don’t think I would be where I am today without her help - the whole school actually".

He wanted to repay the faith shown in him - so at the end of year ten, he applied to become a Peer Mentor.

He went through a rigorous selection process. "Over 60 people applied for 12 places," said Angela. "He successfully completed the initial application process, the two day training which was held during school holidays and then passed the interview that followed," she said.

This was an additional workload on top of the pressures of GCSEs examinations and other commitments.

Now, for several hours a week during term-time – Gavin can be found organising appointments and: providing advice, support and dispute resolution for his caseload of younger pupils.

"I’ve used what I’ve learned over the years," he said. "It helps I have experience".

He gives the example of bullying – where he arranges the parties to come together. "I get them in to a room and get them to talk to each other," he said. "More often than not there is success".

His reward comes from the results. "I get enjoyment from the end-bit," he said. "When they sort it out - and they are both happy".

His advice and support is not limited caseload – it extends to his peers and friends.

There are areas where Gavin is uniquely qualified to offer guidance - or just to listen

"When my mate’s mum died, he came to me to help him deal with it," said Gavin. "It’s because I understood what he was going through".

He has also helped people with their drug problems. Again his experience comes in to play - having dabbled with drugs in the past himself. "I sit them down and tell them what they are doing to themselves," said Gavin.

Some times listening and advice is not enough - as was the case with one friend. He staged a one man intervention. "I helped my mate get off coke," he said. "I was with him all the time so he couldn’t do it."

The school are proud of how far Gavin has come. So much so that when it came time for a government review of the school – he was asked to give a one-to-one interview with Ofsted inspectors.

Although the future looks bright - Gavin still has not fully come to terms with the death of his brother and continues to have flashbacks. "Every now and then I have moments," he said.

Ten years on, the counselling sessions continue - but with limited success. "They help me deal with the guilt, make me think about it," he said. "But I still feel very guilty".

Nominations are now open for YOPEY Bedfordshire.

Visit: www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves.

Nominees must be aged between 10-25, live, work or study in the county, and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post.

Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

10 Downing Street Petition

After a humiliation at the hands of Tesco - I decided to petition the Prime Minister to make it a crime for companies to discriminate against those who choose not to wear shoes.

If you want to vote for your feet - use your fingers.

The link to the 10 Downing Street Petition is: http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/BareFeet/

It closes on 22 August 2009.

Read the rage behind the request at: Toe The Line

p.s. Bare Feet are a metaphor.

Sports Mad Teen’s Peer Presence

Tanya Richardson is a dynamo. When the sports-mad teen isn’t busy promoting, coaching or playing sport - she can be found raising money for charity or helping others.

Her efforts have not gone unnoticed, and now the 16-year-old from Coleshill, near Amersham, is in the running for a SkillsTrain Young People of the Year Award, or ‘YOPEY’.

Along with the best of Buckinghamshire’s youth, Tanya is now in with a chance to win a share from a £2000 cash pool. First place takes home £1000 and in the spirit of the awards - half of each prize is donated to a charity of choice or nominating organisation.

YOPEY has revealed recognised and rewarded young benefactors throughout six counties for four years.

It is the creation of former national newspaper journalist Tony Gearing.

The Hertfordshire father of two teens hopes the ensuing exposure inspires other 10 - 25-year-olds to give to the community and results in a more accurate portrayal of today’s youth.

The nomination comes from Amanda Edwards at Holmer Green Senior School [HGSS].

The Year Seven Head and P.E. teacher describes Tanya as: "always positive with an infectious spirit". She has: "given up countless hours of her time to encourage young people into sports," said Amanda.

Tanya has: "raised money for many different charities and led fundraising initiatives;" and has: "shown dedication and commitment, supporting and leading others in and out of school," said Amanda.

The recognition comes after years of graft and commitment. "Tanya has been a member of our Sports Committee for 5 years," said Amanda. Its job is to: "promote sport in our local area and school," said Tanya. "I’ve been in it from the start".

She has taken on many different roles and responsibilities in that time.

"We do so many different things," said Tanya. "Come-up with ideas, organise different trips". "We once raised money for a tennis day for local primary schools," she said. "We also organised the [sports] coaches and buses".

Tanya also helped to organise and oversee a school lunchtime club. Activities included inter-form dodge ball, rounders and, Indoor netball. £1000 was raised to develop the school gym building.

But without Tanya’s initiative the building would have remained empty. "I went in for a grant," she said. "I wrote letters and made calls". The result was £3500 for new equipment. Her efforts were recognised at the gym opening. "I got to cut the ribbon," she said.

"I play county and regional netball," said Tanya. She passes this experience on to others. "I provide coaching support for peers in netball, tennis and athletics," she said. "I generally go to most of the after school clubs".

Recently Tanya did two weeks of work experience at Chalfont St Giles Middle School. "I coached the 5–12-year-olds netball", she said. "[The school] were so impressed the asked me back".

There is an elderly woman in my village who suffers from Alzheimer’s. I go around just for a chat and a cup of tea or to give her some lunch

She also helps to coach tennis every Sunday morning and provides teacher support during PE lessons.

When Tanya gets some spare time she writes the monthly school sport newsletter 'HGSS Inside Sport'. It contains information and advertisements for: forthcoming events; clubs; high achievers and match reports. "I write this in my spare time," she said. "Whether this be in a free period, during a break, at lunch or after school".

Tanya is an all-rounder, in school and out-of-school. Her contribution is both hands-on; behind-the-scenes – and on the stage. This was demonstrated at the school Gym and Dance Show. "She opened the show with a speech to 180 parents," said Amanda.

Tanya’s contributions are not limited to sport. She also makes time to mentor new pupils to HGSS. When one year-seven student had trouble adjusting to the new environment, Tanya was there. His mother was so impressed she wrote to the school. "If all the mentors are of this standard the peer mentoring program must be excellent," she said.

She is also a spokeswoman on environmental issues. "I attended The Youth Waste Summit," She said. "I had to prepare a speech about recycling and pollution". It was: "presented in front of other schools and people from the council," she said.

Tanya also contributes to charity events, inside and outside of school. "I’ve done a lot of fundraising," she said.

Events like: The British Heart Foundation’s Jump Rope for Heart and McMillan Coffee Mornings for cancer. "They were organised aided by the school council," she said. "Everyone did their part".

Others included a basketball day where money was raised for wheelchair basketball. Then there was help given to run school Christmas Market stalls.

When her friend was diagnosed with a rare stomach cancer, Tanya got involved. Robert Holland had Desmoplastic Small Round Cell Tumours, a condition that mostly affect teenage boys.

A charity called ROB'S ARTTT was set up by his parents. The website is: http://www.robsarttt.piczo.com/

It has lofty ambitions. "We want to raise £100,000," said Tanya.

We have ‘Rob Days’ she said. Money is raised through events like: sponsored parachute jumps; school mufti days; a chocolate fondue and a summer fête.

Then there are bucket donations dedicated to Rob. "We dressed up as Superheroes," she said. There was an: Iron Man, Wonder Woman, Superman and Superwoman. "We see him as our hero, we call him the legend," she said.

Rob passed away last year but his memory lives on through his friends and their dedication to his charity.

It hopes to raise enough money to pay for a Research Fellow at John Radcliffe Children's Hospital. "At the moment we’ve raised £76,000," said Tanya.

Her contributions are not limited to her peers. "There is an elderly woman in my village who suffers from Alzheimer’s," she said. "I go around just for a chat and a cup of tea or to give her some lunch," she said. "I regularly visit her".

Tanya is always willing to help. "If anyone needs a hand I’m the first person they ask," she said. The most recent example came after Wimbledon. "People wanted to take up tennis," she said. "They would say: ‘Tanya can help me’".

Nominations are now open for the 2008 Buckinghamshire Young People of the Year Awards. Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25 and give to others at home or abroad.

Visit: http://www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

Dr. Iva Nastichesticoff

I love it when I get a call from Universal Extras.

Every couple of months they check my availability to work as a film extra - although we prefer the title: supporting-artiste, crowd-artiste or background-artiste.

One minute I might be at work surfing the Internet - the next I’m being asked to audition to be: Matt Damon's body double; a space pirate; or a bishop who gets his throat cut [By Johnny Depp].

We can now add doctor in a new Russian drama to the list. No audition was necessary.

The hat makes me look like I'm about to cook crab cakes rather than cure cancer

The show is called Inheritance Marriage. I heard one woman describe it as an: "upmarket version of EastEnders". She later changed her mind to Dynasty. Maybe it's a combo of both. In suits, but very shouty.

Filming took place at Ravenscourt Park Hospital in Chiswick. I had been there before. Thirteen-years-ago I did a drug trial and earned enough money to travel to Pamplona for the Running of the Bulls festival.

This caper was worth £75. After my 'agents' 15% commission, income tax and national insurance contributions – this time I’d have enough money for the bus fare home.

At least I didn't have to sign away my rights. In my last role I signed a release form that let the production company exploit my: "ancillary rights herein throughout the universe".

Come to think about it - the universe? Media lawyers must know more than they are letting-on. Maybe David Icke is on to something. I maintained my rights on this occasion. I can only presume there is little inter-galactic demand for Russian soap operas.

I arrived on set before the scheduled 9am. The time my agent said breakfast would finish. He lied to get me there early. I headed straight for the catering truck and ordered some complimentary sausage sandwiches. I grabbed a coffee from the drinks table and sat myself down in the big blue bus. It had been refurbished to include tables and chairs. Actors and crew upstairs, supporting-artistes downstairs.

Eventually it was time to queue for wardrobe. It took over an hour. Patience and a good book are essential for extras.

My call time was 9.30 – but these things never run to schedule. The late crowd-artistes eventually turned-up. They joined the queue and devoured their fragrant bacon sarnies. Hints of grease with undertones of brown sauce lingered in the crisp morning air. I regretted I settled for sausage.

Many background-artistes have their own outfits. It helps to get work because it saves the production company money. When I first I arrived on the set I was taken-aback by the police loitering with shirts unbuttoned and stab vests unzipped. It took me a moment to realise they were extras.

I had to supply my own clothes too. For this part I wore brown cords with ankle boots and a crisp white shirt. Wardrobe added props – a white jacket, stethoscope and coloured pens for my chest pocket.

Extras are second class citizens on sets. The actors don’t talk to them; the crew brusquely bark orders at them; and when it comes to meal times – they are sent to the back of the queue

Parts were allocated before arrival. It became obvious that the production intended to reinforce racial stereotypes. The black and Asian crowd-artistes became security guards - while the white supporting-artistes became nurses, doctors, patients, reporters and police.

Art imitating life?

The stereotype that Russians were hard-drinkers was reinforced after I noticed two prop IV bags with the labels Vodka. I also noticed that they sure like a cigarette.

For obvious reasons I didn't recognise any of the actors or crew. This became apparent after I asked the director to take my photo. He gave an amused snort and took the snap. I thought he was another background-artiste. A cleaner perhaps. They're a scruffy lot, directors.

The first scene was outside. The actors had to pass half-a-dozen aggressive reporters and photographers to get into the hospital. The burly security guards helped them through the entrance and kept the jostling media at bay.

Inside, just before the cameras rolled for the next scene, I was given a white surgical cap. Apparently they are worn in Russia. It looked like it belonged in a kitchen rather than a hospital. I could have been about to cook crab cakes rather than cure cancer.

On the shout of "action" - there was a lot of walking back-and-forth with a few lip-sync conversations with nurses and patients thrown in.

	The big blue bus and catering truck

Between scenes the extras, actors and crew mingle in their own little cliques. There's a mixture of banter, awkward conversations and strange revelations to be had. One woman told me how on her last job she got chatted-up by a man who "looked like a baked bean".

It got me thinking. One theory to explain missing transitional fossils in human evolution is that aliens spliced their DNA with monkeys. Maybe they experimented with foodstuffs first. I kept my thoughts to myself.

Extras are second class citizens on sets. The actors don't talk to them; the crew brusquely bark orders at them; and when it comes to meal times – they are sent to the back of the queue.

However the food was almost worth the wait. Almost, because it's not possible to literally swallow your pride. The mains included: Cumberland Sausage and Onion Gravy; Sea Bream with lemon and garlic; and Cous Cous with Roasted Vegetables. They even throw in chocolate sponge for desert.

In the breaks you find ways to entertain yourself. I discovered that the stethoscope really did work. As the self-named Dr. Iva Nastichesticoff - I determined I had a healthy heartbeat.

The chats continued. A nurse told me about a Jordanian film she worked on. They only ever shot one take. The Russians were much more pedantic – ten-times more in fact.

In one scene I was a split-second late with my cue to walk-away from the hospital reception. It happened twice after I tried to finish my pretend conversation with the nurse. The director seemed keen to save time and film. The subsequent takes had a security guard placed between me and the camera.

As a doctor I held a prop medical file. Bizarrely it had the label Torture Foundation. What about my Hypocritical Oath? I thought. I could have been at Guantanamo Bay.

And then it happened - the most important moment of my career. In the final scene I was given a word - two in fact. Well, one that was said twice. I think that makes me an actor.

"Ackoradna, ACKORADNA" I forcefully commanded to the security guards [?] who pushed a critically ill patient on a gurney. I ran ahead and looked back anxiously with a furrowed brow and face contorted with concern.

Five weeks in St Petersburg a few years ago meant I had some knowledge of Russian. Hurry up will definitely be more useful that: caution doors closing and how much for one big banana.

After the gurney disappeared down a corridor - the two main actors took centre stage in the reception. We returned to the scene and watched from the sidelines.

The lead-actress was pretty pissed-off at the lead-actor. Her cat-like eyes were wide and wild. The mood clashed with her delicate features. Her words hissed and her voice resonated with resentment. For emphasis the sentences were punctuated with stab-like pauses. The guy didn't say much. Smart man, I thought. The more takes, the angrier she got. It was so vicious - I nearly shit-myself. The security guard next to me exercised more bowel control. "Man, If I were that guy right now - I would kiss her ," he whispered in my ear.

By the end her mood was so filthy DEFCON 1 could have been declared. The director, keen to avoid a meltdown, called it a wrap. Everyone clapped. Many stopped drooling. We could all go home. It was 4pm.

The director shook my hand afterwards. Horror-show he said. It means good in Russian. I think.

Volunteer Clocks-Up 1500 Hours

Article Published with a byline in the regional newpaper the Bedfordshire Times & Citizen [07 August 2008]

When personal tragedy led to no family support and life in a homeless hostel for a young Bedford woman - self-pity and despondency could have swallowed her whole.

Instead Sharn Davies continued to focus her energies and turn her time into hundreds-and-hundreds of hours for a mixed bag of charitable causes.

The Bedfordshire Cerebral Palsy Society, Age Concern and the Lesbian Bisexual Gay & Transgender Youth Group have all benefited from what one volunteer manager describes as the 25-year-old’s "give it a go" attitude and "positive outlook".

Helen Sendagire of Community Service Volunteers [CSV] has been so impressed by Sharn’s prolific contributions - she has nominated her for a SkillsTrain Young Person of the Year Award, or 'YOPEY'.

Along with the best of Bedfordshire’s youth - Sharn is now in with a chance to win a share of cash from a £2000 prize pool. The winner collects £1000. In the spirit of the awards half of each prize is donated to the nominating organisation or a charity of choice.

"Sharn has dedicated over 800 hours to volunteering," said Helen.

But that may be just the tip of the iceberg according to Sharn. "That’s recorded volunteer hours, she said. "I lost count after about 1500. "I’ve been doing voluntary work for seven-years now".

For context - 1500 hours is not far from a full-time job for a whole year.

It is an edifying experience speaking to Sharn. She is unnervingly honest; straight-forward; and self-depreciating with a good memory for dates.

There is no search for sympathy in her voice - everything is said as a matter-of-fact.

"I was 18 when my dad died and 21 when my mum died, she said. "It hit me really hard".

"I relied on mum growing up to do everything for me, she said. "When she asked me to move out because she was poorly it was a shock. I didn’t even know how to pay bills".

"I moved out in January 2005 in to a homeless hostel, she said. "[Mum] wanted to see me become independent and have a life for myself".

Sharn’s mother died of lung cancer the following month.

Sharn has been a volunteer with the Bedford Cerebral Palsy Society since 2003. April 8th to be precise. The charity’s support extended to Sharn. "They helped me out and saw me through," she said.

This loyalty has been repaid with interest.

She describes her work as "mostly admin" and her job as "general dog’s body," but this seems to underestimate her contribution.

There are office chores like answering-the–phones and photocopying - but then she can also be found fixing the computers. "A couple of the computers kept dying, she said. "I had to figure out what was wrong with them". She found a corrupted hard drive and motherboard. Her diagnosis saved the charity paying for expensive IT support.

She also helps the charity apply for grants from local government and pledges from local businesses such as Woolworths, Argos and Wilkinson’s. "They donated vouchers so we can buy stuff for the kids," she said.

Support is not limited to the children, but also extends to those who look after them. We organise an: "indulgence day once a month for carers and parents with disabilities," she said.

It took time for Sharn to get used to working with Cerebral Palsy kids. "How can I explain it - it was like a culture shock," she said. Now it’s just like second nature.

She has a hands-on role in the 'Play Scheme'. It gives disabled kids a chance to mix with their peers. One event is beauty treatments for the girls. Another is ice-skating in Milton Keynes. Kids in their wheelchairs have a 'Grand Prix' session on ice. "They really love it," she said.

She makes an effort to spend time with each of the kids. "Even ones who are less able to walk and talk really appreciate you coming up and seeing how they are instead of ignoring them," she said.

The best part of the job is: "When I see how happy the kids are, she said. "It’s so rewarding to see their happy faces".

Sharn was also a volunteer for the Lesbian Bisexual Gay & Transgender Youth Group. LGBT is a forum for young people upto the 24-years-old to get together and discuss issues. "I gate-crashed meetings for a couple of months, she said. "Eventually the coordinator asked if I would like a job". Sharn helped to find premises, funding for computers and arranged a day-trip to Gay Pride in London.

For two years on-and-off Sharn was also a volunteer shop assistant in an Age Concern Charity shop.

Sharn came to Helen’s attention through Community Service Volunteers. The organisation provides recognition and accreditation for volunteers.

Through CSV Sharn has completed the nationally recognised ASDAN qualification in Community Volunteering. "I was the second youngest in the class," she said with pride. "Everyone else was their late thirties or forties. "It’s a qualification, and it proves I’m not a lazy so and so".

Not content just to roll-up her own sleeves – Sharn also encourages youths to get involved in the community.

As an ambassador for the CSV run 'V' Bedfordshire Youth Volunteering - Sharn helps project staff to "come up with new volunteering ideas and placements, said Helen. "Everyone knows her. She has great contacts in the area".

YOPEY is the creation of former national newspaper journalist Tony Gearing, who became tired of young people’s ‘bad press’. The competition has spread across six counties and over £50,000 has been won at 22 awards ceremonies.

The father of two teenagers hopes the good press inspires other youngsters to give to the community and leads to a more accurate picture of the young today.

Nominations are now open for the SkillsTrain YOPEY in Beds. Visit: www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25, live, work or study in Bedfordshire, and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

Toe The Line

I discovered yesterday that the Tesco Superstore in Osterley doesn't allow people to shop without shoes on.

The security guards informed me this is due to health and safety.

This is a neat piece of unspeak which should automatically end any debate on the matter.

You would think...

If exposed feet were a real and likely health and safety issue - there would be a ban on open toed sandals and jandals too. Everyone would have to wear Kevlar gumboots.

What is more - local government would have been on to it years ago. Councils would have made a killing in fines from the shoeless.

Bare feet are a cultural and social tradition for the peoples of the South Pacific. This includes New Zealand. Tens-of-thousands Kiwis, Samoans, Fijians, Tongans and Solomon Islanders live in the UK. To deny them access to essential services based on their cultural and social traditions is clear discrimination.

The prevailing opinion is that bare feet are unhygienic. Not so. Most people clean their feet [in the shower or bath] daily. Invisible muck is on their feet for less than 24 hours. People with shoes hardly-ever clean their footwear. The muck remains for months, years. It could be argued that to wear shoes is a filthy habit.

And, just to put-the-boot-in and state-the-obvious:

To have bare feet is the default position.

To date no child has been born with Adidas attached to their appendages.

Much to the dismay of many a marketing department.

Back to Tesco.

It's concern for staff and customer welfare is challenged by the loudspeaker at the top and bottom of the escalators.

Caution you are coming to the end of the travelator. Please push your trolley off the end of the travelator.

It repeats over-and-over with only a few seconds as an interval.

I would estimate the announcement is between 60 - 70 decibels - the noise range between a normal conversation and a vacuum cleaner. It is loud.

The United Nations says:

Noise is an increasingly omnipresent, yet underestimated, form of pollution. Long periods of exposure to relatively low levels of noise can have adverse effects on human health, such as raised blood pressure, hypertension, disrupted sleep and cognitive development in children, diminished working memory span, and psychiatric disorders. [United Nations]

Repeated administration of noise is considered torture.

It is used at Guantanamo Bay. There it is called: acoustic bombardment.

Tesco calls it health and safety.

However the bare-foot-ban raises another issue.

Tesco controls nearly a third of the UK grocery market [BBC]. One pound in every seven that is spent in British shops goes through its tills [Telegraph].

In places like Inverness it is said that Tesco has a "near monopoly". [BBC].

Economies of scale mean everytime a Tesco superstore opens - local shops can't compete with the prices - and go out of business.

This gives consumers fewer and fewer choices and means anyone who doesn't abide by Tesco laws may have to travel miles to buy necessities, such as food.

The ability to travel miles is subject to additional cost and dependent on access to transportation.

Now, no bill has ever passed through parliament to require people to wear shoes.

But a public company [listed on the stock exchange]; with local monopolies; that provides an essential public service - can designate its space as private, and make-up its own rules.

What is more, if these private rules are broken - rules which are not laws - then the police are obliged to enforce them.

Even if these rules are discriminatory and interfere with basic human rights.

It doesn't end with feet.

Although Tesco are yet to ban people who wear hooded tops and baseball caps - that has not prevented many other stores and shopping malls [BBC].

Presumably Santa Claus and nuns receive special dispensation.

It all begs the question: Who makes the rules that allows society to function? Who is actually running the show?

If you think this rant is about shoes, or lack of them - think again.

Something stinks - and it's not my feet.

Also Read:

My town is menaced by a superstore. So why are we not free to fight it off? by George Monbiot [Guardian 10 Aug 2009]

Teens Save Girl Guide Unit

'Be prepared' is their motto, and when the situation arose - that’s exactly what two Bedfordshire Girl Guides were.

When no adult leader could be found to look after a group of five to seven-year-old girl guides - Emma Spencer from Great Billington and Dulcie Wyatt from Leighton Buzzard stepped in.

Their intervention saved many of the girls from giving-up guiding.

Under the teenagers’ leadership - the 1st Leighton Buzzard Rainbows operated normally from Christmas until Easter - the time it took to find an adult to take over.

"Without them the Rainbow unit would have closed," said Debbie Docherty, the Division Commander for Girlguiding South Bedfordshire, "Most likely permanently".

She has jointly nominated the girls for a SkillsTrain Young Person of the Year Award or 'YOPEY'.

Along with the best of Bedfordshire’s youth - it means the girls now have the chance to win a share of a £2000 prize pool.

The top prize is £1000 and in the spirit of the awards half of each prize gets donated to the nomination organisation or a charity of choice.

YOPEY is the creation of former national newspaper journalist Tony Gearing. The awards ceremony has revealed recognised and rewarded positive young role models throughout six counties since 2004.

My house is full of hundreds of cardboard toilet rolls. We make everything from rocket ships to sheep

The Hertfordshire father of two teenagers hopes the exposure inspires other youngsters to give to the community and leads to a more accurate youth image in the media.

Its aims are echoed by Dulcie’s mum. "Most kids are positive and hard working and just want to help one and another," said Nicola Wyatt, a Learning Support assistant at Gilbert Inglefield School. "They don’t deserve the bad press they get".

The Rainbows meet every Wednesday between 4.45 -5.45pm at Leedon Lower School in Highfield Road.

The early meeting time makes it difficult to attract leaders, said Debbie Docherty. It means many working mothers can’t contribute. This was the situation the Rainbows faced when their guide leader left in December.

Conscious of the distress it would have caused for the young girls - Emma and Dulcie took over. "Emma and I had to step in pretty quickly," said Dulcie. "The unit would have closed in a matter of weeks," she said. "It was incredibly important to keep it going," said Emma.

While there are other Rainbow units in-and-around Leighton Buzzard - they are all full. "The girls would have been put on a waiting list or stopped guiding altogether," said Dulcie.

Dulcie who studies at Aylesbury High School and Emma who attends Cedars Upper School in Leighton Buzzard have not only saved the unit – but have managed to treble its numbers.

On their own initiative the girls organised bring a friend night. "At the time there were six rainbows, but now the number has grown to 18 – now we’ve got a full group," said Dulcie.

In the absence of an adult leader, the girls were responsible for the planning and running of the weekly Rainbow meetings – although due to the age of the children, with background adult supervision.

Responsibilities ranged from the serious to the fun. There were lessons on road safety, stranger danger, dental care and how to look after pets. And then there were games, drawing, decorating cakes with hundreds-and-thousands and crafts.

"My house is full of hundreds of cardboard toilet rolls," said Emma. She brings them to meetings along with cotton wool. We make everything from rocket ships to sheep, she said. "You can use them for anything".

Despite their tender years Rainbows get involved in the community and collect money for charity in a variety of ways like: sponsored skips, gardening and supermarket bag-packing.

Both girls are excited at the prospect of YOPEY recognition - but it was never their motivation. "We’re incredibly proud to have saved the unit," said Emma.

"It’s volunteer work. Your reward is the satisfaction you get," said Dulcie. "It’s nice to know something you do at 15 can make a difference".

Nominations are now open for the SkillsTrain YOPEY in Beds. Visit www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25, live, work or study in Bedfordshire, and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

Women As Weapons Of Mass Civil Disobedience

In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants.

Even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet [TimesOnline].

There is unexploited potential in this law.

Pregnant women could be used as weapons of mass civil disobedience.

The tactics of outspoken women's rights campaigner Germaine Greer were all wrong.

Less berate and more micturate would have advanced the feminist cause by decades.

A misogynistic institution could have 100 banged-up sisters legally slash their way through its foyer.

Now I've planted the seed - I'm off to buy Barbour shares.

Gumboots sales are about to go through the roof.

Model Passengers

Finally someone has proper lost their rag after British Airways lost their bag.

What surprises me is that it doesn't happen more often.

Especially as the numbers confirm what most people know already.

British Airways is the worst airline in Europe.

The Association of European Airlines puts BA at the bottom, or near bottom, of every punctuality and baggage category.

In the first three months of this year - BA had more: baggage delays; late departures; and late arrivals than any other airline within Europe.

The previous quarter wasn't much better.

British Airways was six-times more likely to lose passengers bags than Turkish Airways. Czech Airways managed to organise nearly 50% more on-time shorthaul departures.

Yet most Brits meet news of delays, cancellations and lost baggage with a stoic resilience reminiscent of the Blitz.

In fact many prepare in the same way - with playing cards, a book and water.

The public have been conditioned to cheerfully accept inconvenience.

What is more - passengers regulate each others behaviour on behalf of the airline. Mustn't grumble, after all.

Anyone who derogates from this collective mass passive-ism is rounded-on and vilified. They are worse thought-of than the airline that has parked them on the departures lounge floor for six hours.

This makes for model passengers.


Naomi Campbell is her own woman. She doesn't have any baggage.

But not for supermodel passengers.

Police recently forcibly removed Naomi Campbell from a BA flight after a one-woman-sit-in over missing baggage. [The Scotsman]

A sit-in is a legitimate from of protest for social change. It has been used by political leaders from Mahatma Gandhi to Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela.

Her stand, while seated, should have created a consumer rights martyr – as most people can empathise with her situation.

Instead the incident was framed by the press in such a way as to consolidate her position as the number one pantomime villain in a media driven celebrity circus.

The spat turned to spit and exploded after the incendiary Campbell was called a "Golliwog Supermodel" by BA staff, she says.

I'm not even sure what that means - but it doesn't sound good.

In response, an airline statement said: "British Airways does not accept any allegations of racism".

Notice that BA doesn't deny the allegation, or that racism exists - it just doesn’t accept allegations.

A good thing too. If it did - it would have to listen to Captain Doug Maughan.

The British Airways pilot of 15-years says that derogatory race remarks by his colleagues are so common they are treated as normal.

Mr Maughan went public after British Airways management failed to take his complaints about racism by senior staff seriously.

Even an email to chief executive, Willie Walsh, resulted in no action, he says [The Telegraph].

At the end of the last financial year British Airways reported a record 45% increase in annual profit. The airline made £883 million - that's over £100,000 an hour. Staff bonuses were nearly £50 million.

With the business doing so well - there is no need to take issues like institutional racism and consumer rights seriously.

After all: if it ain't broke - don't fix it.

Aunt & Niece Change Youth Scene And More

The local youth scene in-and-around Aylesbury is about to change for the better thanks to two local related teens.

19-year-old Nabeela Begum and 14-year-old Zeenat Begum gave-up several hours a week for two months to examine youth clubs in the area.

As volunteer Peer Inspectors for Buckinghamshire County Council’s youth service the aunt and niece made sure club rules were followed and collected feedback so they could make recommendations on how to improve the service.

Rebecca Fetterman, Youth Project Co-ordinator with the youth service, was so impressed by the girls she put them forward for a SkillsTrain Young People of the Year Award, also known as ‘YOPEY’.

Nabeela who has just finished her A-levels at Sir Henry Floyd Grammar and Zeenat, who attends Quarrendon School, are now in with a chance to win the top prize of £1,000 in a contest with £2,000 to give to young people who give to others.

However the nomination has revealed that inspection work is only the tip-of-the-iceberg - especially from Nabeela.

Family, friends and strangers, young and old, have benefited from numerous hours of volunteering and charity fundraising. And then there are years of care work.

Rebecca said Nabeela and Zeenat went ‘above and beyond’ the call of duty and contributed to the success of the project.

"They did all their inspections and covered for the other young people when they pulled out at the last minute," she said. "They designed the young peoples’ questionnaire and volunteered to be mentors for the next inspectors".

In addition they helped to set the inspection criteria and code of conduct.

As Peer Inspectors Nabeela and Zeenat visited Grange Youth Centre in Wendover Way, Aylesbury; Winslow Youth Centre in Avenue Road; and the Green Park Centre in Stablebridge Road, Aston Clinton – to name a few. They reported their findings back to the county council’s youth service.

Their main recommendations included more variety, outdoor activities, excursions, additional safety precautions and an older teen emphasis.

The project has allowed the girls and the club users a say in how the youth service is run, said Rebecca. "Feedback goes all the way to the top managers".

I would like to see the clubs be somewhere teens can: do their homework, relax and talk about any issues they might have, said Nabeela.

"I think more people will come to the youth clubs because of our recommendations," said Zeenat. "We have shown them exactly what kids want."

The project has also served to develop and empower the girls.

"I feel much more positive about myself because I’m doing something to change the youth environment," said Nabeela. "This has boosted my confidence".

"I’m very proud of what I have done," said Zeenat. "People have listened to my ideas".

Recognition doesn’t end with the YOPEY nomination. As a result of their youth work - the girls have also earned the nationally accredited Bronze Youth Achievement Award.

However, it turns out their work as peer inspectors is just the cover page in a catalogue of community contributions.

The girls are proof that ‘charity begins at home’ – but does not necessarily end there.

This was demonstrated when after her GCSEs, Nabeela took a year out of school to help her sister Noor cope with depression after her three-year-old son Kasar died suddenly of unknown causes. "I would aid my sister with her day-to-day life," said Nabeela.

She roped in Zeenat, Noor’s eldest child, and together they helped with the house chores. They also took on the role of carers for Noor’s other three children, then aged seven and five and a new baby who came along at the time.

Together they cleaned, dressed and fed the kids. In addition they took them to school and picked them up in the afternoon.

Then there was the emotional assistance. "I had to constantly reassure my sister about the loss," said Nabeela. "Although I could not give her answers, I had to support her to try to get on with her life".

Back at home - Nabeela is also on hand. "I help care for my nan who is diabetic and has coronary heart disease," she said. "I have to remind her to take her pills and go with her to her blood test appointments with the doctor and appointments in the hospital".

"My family life also involves constantly reassuring my mum who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," she said.

Those who suffer from the medical condition are often unable to complete what could be considered the most simple of activities. "I do my mum’s shopping for her because she becomes very panicky in overcrowded places. I also remind her to take her tablets".

But the responsibility rather than being a burden has been a benefit. "I believe that caring from a young age has made me a stronger person," said Nabeela.

It is a lot for a young woman to cope with, especially one with her own pressures, such as A-level exams - so it is reassuring to learn that she too has help.

It comes from family, like Zeenat, and from organisations like Carers Bucks. The organisation looks after people who care for others. "They give me and my family a lot of support and often offer to take us on days out," said Nabeela.

Nabeela also rolls up her sleeves and mucks in when it comes to charity. One such event organised through her school was for ‘Student Aid’. "Its main aim is to raise enough money for rebuilding a deaf and blind children school in India," she said. One event raised £7000.

"I helped to organise an ‘Indian evening’," she said. "I was in charge of ordering food; decorating the school hall; serving the guests; and cleaning up afterwards until 12am. I also helped wash cars to raise money for the event".

Another charity that benefited from Nabeela’s help is LEPRA. "It’s a medical development charity with a mission to restore health, hope and dignity to people affected by leprosy and other diseases of poverty in parts of the world," she said. "I went door-to-door fundraising and raised about £100".

Nabeela also acts as an Interpreter for many people in the Pakistani community. She translates English, Pashto and a little bit of Punjabi. "I often have to attend appointments with people who speak little English and interpret at parents evening for their children," she said.

She also uses her language skills to help young children who have difficulty reading and writing, especially those for whom English is not their first language.

Just when you think there is no more the young livewire can do – she pulls another rabbit out of the hat. Then another.

"I worked in a children’s nursery called 'Rosie’s Little People' in Aylesbury," she said. "And I volunteered to work in Elmhurst Nursery for work experience. I am also volunteering to work in Stoke Mandeville hospital and an old people’s home".

YOPEY aims to reward positive young role models like Nabeela and Zeenat and to inspire other youngsters to give to the community.

The Hertfordshire father of two has seen the idea grow and spread into 22 successful awards ceremonies across six counties in four years.

Nominations for the SkillsTrain YOPEY in Buckinghamshire close in September and an awards ceremony will be held in the county in October.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25, live, work or study in Bucks, and give to others at home or abroad.

Visit: www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

Head Girl Organises Her Way To Awards Ceremony

An edited version of this article can be found on the Young People of the Year website [yopey.org] and in local media [Luton Today].

Rebecca Munns is a busy young woman.

When the Harlington teenager isn’t volunteering; raising cash for charity; being a peer educator; or representing her school as Head Girl - she can be found at home helping out with her football team size family. The number includes subs.

Mum, dad and ten other brothers and sisters make the American sitcom The Brady Bunch look like 2.4 children.


Rebecca Munns. Picture available from [yopey.org]

It is for all these efforts combined that the 18-year-old has been put forward for a SkillsTrain Young People of the Year award or ‘YOPEY’.

Along with the best of Bedfordshire’s youth - she now has a chance to win a share of £2,000 - the top prize is £1000 cash.

In the spirit of the awards – half of each prize is donated to a charity of choice.

The nomination comes from an impressed Food Technology teacher at Harlington Upper School.

Claire Martin says Rebecca is: "very mature, and always willing to help others," and: "she always gives 101% to everything she does".

Her school reference is equalling glowing. It describes her as: "compassionate and thoughtful to others" and a: "very hardworking, intelligent, well-organised and determined young lady".

YOPEY aims to reveal, recognise and reward positive young role models like Rebecca. It hopes a more accurate picture of the younger generation will reassure adults and inspire other youngsters to give to the community.

The fundraising has been clean-cut and colourful. It included: leg-waxing, head-shaving and nail-painting. And that was the guys

It is the brainchild of former national newspaper journalist Tony Gearing. The Hertfordshire father of two teenagers has seen the idea grow and spread into 22 successful awards ceremonies over six counties.

Rebecca has helped to raise money through various church groups and the school council. It involved a mixture of events for a variety of causes.

Directly she has taken an active roll. Rebecca organised, promoted and managed many events.

The fundraising has been clean-cut and colourful. It included: leg-waxing, head-shaving and nail-painting. And that was the guys. A little more traditional were the cake stalls and coffee mornings.

Then there were the different Pink and Red Nose Days - where everyone dresses in pink and wears a red nose. Not at the same time mind. A touch of tension and suspense was added in Deal-or-no-Deal style competitions.

She also organised gift donations for Bedfordshire’s less fortunate children at Christmas time.

Charities that have benefited from hairless and questionably fashionable Bedfordshire youth include: Breast Cancer Research; McMillan Cancer Support; Comic Relief and Children in Need

Rebecca estimates that many thousand of pounds have been raised.

Her contributions have not stopped at fundraising. She has embraced both her school role and the charity causes she has been involved with.

She mentored younger students: chaired the school council; and led drugs-and-alcohol peer education campaigns at Harlington and local middle schools. She also gave up time to help at school functions. In addition there was personal involvement by partying and fundraising with severely disabled young adults.

Rebecca is also a volunteer for the Harlington Parish Council and at a local Baptist church – where she helps to organise activity afternoons for 8-13 year-olds. Entertainments include: competitions, different sports, crafts, swimming and outings.

To top it all off when she wasn’t busy with her studies and A2 level exams, she worked as a cleaner part-time.

But it’s when she gets home the real work starts. She helps out full-time mum Carolyn and Insurance Broker dad George around the house. "I’m one of eleven," she said. As the second eldest it means a lot of responsibility and "a lot of nannying". The youngest is 22 months. Then there is the double trouble in the four-year-old twins.

"I’m always cooking, cleaning and dressing them up [her brothers & sisters] for school and what not," she said.

Her home life may have given her focus for the future. She intends to study Nutrition and Food Science at the University of Surrey. She hopes it will lead to a job in the food industry.

"How do you keep on top of all?" YOPEY asks. "I manage my time quite well. I don’t like to be sitting still for too long. I’m always on my feet running around," she says.

Literally. In her spare time she goes jogging and plays hockey and netball. When not running around - she does her own sewing, seamstressing and baking. "I’m always making birthday cakes," she says.

Nominations are now open for the SkillsTrain YOPEY in Beds. Visit www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25 and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

NO IFS, NO BUTS

The Department for Work and Pensions has a menacing new advertising campaign. It's called - NO IFS NO BUTS.

It highlights the tough line the government agency takes with those who misuse public funds.

Maybe a few posters could be put-up around the halls of Westminster Palace.



The Commons Speaker, Michael Martin, recently claimed £4,280.20 in expenses for taxis. It related to his wife's supermarket shopping expeditions. [TimesOnline].

His job is to review taxpayer-funded parliamentary allowances.




The Conservative Party chairman, Caroline Spelman, once used taxpayer-funded expenses to pay her nanny [The Telegraph].

Her job is to make sure Tory MPs do not abuse their taxpayer-funded expenses.




Former Leader of the Conservative MEPs, Giles Chichester, broke the rules. He allowed his expenses to be channelled through a family business of which he is a paid director.

He called the oversight a whoops-a-daisy moment. [BBC]

His job was to draw up a new code of practice for MEPs' expenses.

Four wheels bad - two wheels good

Everyone knows one. They may be your friend, your brother or even your grandfather. Mothers hold their children close as one comes near. People mumble under their breath as they pass. Others yell at them. Strangers attack them. Dogs even chase them.

They are cyclists and they are everywhere.

Cyclists in London are resented with the venom usually reserved for serial killers. More so in fact. As a humane-and-just-society we afford serial killers the full protection of the law. Cyclists however are fair game. This was confirmed when 84-year-old Tory peer Baroness Sharples recently took her handbag to one.

Her actions were endorsed by Lord Bassam in the House of Lords. She said her only regret was that she didn't hit him harder. Fortunately her handbag was largely empty. She hadn’t picked-up the sherry from Waitrose yet.


Old bag hits cyclist [Daily Mail]

While peers wrap handbags around cyclists ears - the mainstream media is content to run them down. Literally and metaphorically.

The usually sensible Times columnist Matthew Parris would like to chop their heads-off. "What’s smug and deserves to be decapitated?" - he wrote.

The Sun motoring correspondent Emma Parker Bowles would like to see their "humane extermination".

And author, columnist and Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson calls them: "The Lycra-Nazi sandalistas of Islington". He says: "Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun"

He once boasted that he drove 186-miles-an-hour on a London road used by cyclists. That's the same speed as Eurostar. Dickhead.

Say zebra crossing to a pedestrian and they are more likely to think of the Serengeti migration than a designated point to cross the road

If such language were used against any other section of society, say: pensioners, vegetarians or Jehovah’s Witnesses - the hubric protagonists would find themselves in the dock charged with hate crimes.

I don't think iffy humour or irony would be a successful defence.

It is lucky that cyclists are a hardy lot. Sardonic hot air rolls like water off their Gore-Tex backs.

Sure they are a little existential with the road rules - but it could be expected of people who brave the school run by pedal and weather so dire even ducks go indoors.

The road rules were designed to cater for cars not bicycles. Many situations require cyclists to break the rules to stay safe.

Take red lights.

When a light goes from red to green a cyclist starts to pedal with jerky lateral movements until momentum can be gained. This is not only dangerous for the cyclist - but it also disrupts traffic flow.

Then there are footpaths.

A cyclist may use one to: get around illegally parked cars on narrow roads; avoid treacherous traffic snarls; and to dodge Jeremy Clarkson.

It is better for motorists and safer for cyclists that they pedal through red lights and ride on footpaths.

Other road users are not so altruistic.

Say zebra crossing to a pedestrian and they are more likely to think of the Serengeti migration than a designated point to cross the road.

While drivers consider indicators and hands-free mobile phone kits as optional extras.

There are 10,000,000 fines dished out to motorists every year. And that’s just the parking and speeding tickets.


Boris Johnson [allegedly] talking on his mobile while cycling

A better indicator of drivers' etiquette is the 268,000 people killed or injured in vehicle accidents every year.

If that’s not anti social behaviour – I don’t know what is.

It is not only your common-garden-variety cyclist that would rather risk death than travel on the tube and who break laws to stay safe.

It is also Conservative Politicians.

Days after he was elected - the new Mayor was filmed: "cycling through six red lights, failing to stop at a zebra crossing and mounting the pavement".

And then there is the leader of the opposition.

David Cameron was filmed "cycling the wrong way up a one-way street, jumping a red light and ignoring a ‘keep left’ bollard".

Mind you, Boris has rather let the side down by not stopping at the pedestrian crossing and [allegedly] talking on his mobile phone while cycling.

The former Mayor's solution to the problem was registration. Ken Livingston wanted number plates on bicycles. Congestion charge collector Capita’s ears would have pricked-up at the suggestion.

Thankfully it was never implemented. The courts could not have coped with the extra burden created by five-year-olds on footpaths - and Tories.

All the politics and bickering aside - cyclists, flaws and all, may be humanity's saviour.

They can cut overcrowding on public transport; improve the health of the nation and reduce hospital waiting lists.

Oh, and on a global scale - they could reduce mankind’s dependence on fossil fuels and prevent the entire planet from turning into a microwave oven.

Forget the hug-a-hoodie compassion shown by David Cameron. Let's cuddle-a-cyclist instead.

Spring Tulips

Warning Sign of the Times

There was almost a heath and safety disaster at my workplace today.

A small puddle of water was left on the floor next to the elevators. It was there all day.

The water wasn't such a hazzard mind. The warning-sign was a different matter.

	Caution Big Dangerous Sign.

I almost tripped over the bloody thing as I left the lift.

Alcohol Down the Tube

The infirm, children, chocoholics and Christmas revellers may soon become criminals.

In a crack-down against anti-social behaviour - it is now against London Underground rules to consume alcohol on the tube. The dictate is set to become law next year.

Anyone poorly caught supping their GSK Night Nurse will be ordered off the train. The medicine contains 18% alcohol. Four-times more than the average beer.

The sick may be forced to look for alternative treatments. Swap one vice for another. Benylin Cough and Congestion Syrup is alcohol free but contains pseudoephedrine. Also known as speed. It is available from any good pharmacy without prescription.

This is how it all starts. They'll be on crack-cocaine next.

It is expected the festive season and brandy laced mini Christmas puddings will lead to mass expulsions.

Biscuits eaters may also be ejected. Certain varieties of chocolate Tim Tams contain alcohol. Not to forget those who like to nibble on liqueur chocolates.

Alcohol has also been found in crisps. Kids who eat Walkers Sensations Thai Sweet Chilli and Doritos Chilli Heat Waves may have to walk home.

However, some common sense has prevailed. No limit has been set on how much alcohol can be transported - provided it is in your stomach.

This may actually be the real issue.

A London Underground think-tank continues to explore ways to protect commuters from antisocial behaviour.

Ideas mooted are: double fares to prevent overcrowding; reduce services to improve punctuality; and to ban mastication. Too many people chew gum on the tube.

London Underground’s 46 page Conditions of Carriage document can be found at tfl.gov.uk

It's about 42 pages longer than the US Declaration of Independence.

Feed the World (with KFC)

In a noble demonstration of corporate good - KFC now collect money for World Hunger Relief.

Colonel Burgers for The Congo? KFC feeds the world perhaps.

If we extend this logic to other sectors:

Hilton Hotels could house the homeless;

Or UK weapons company BAE could collect money for those who need guns.*

Save the world.          Eat KFC.

*Actually BAE do – but that’s another story.

Perhaps the proposition isn’t so ridiculous after all. I’m going to mention it at my local.

Maybe the Dog and Duck could collect money for the beerless.

Too Few Hours in a day for Bedfordshire Teen

Edited versions of this article can be found on the Young People of the Year website [Yopey.org] and in local media [Bedford Today] [Luton on Sunday]

If you have ever wished there were more hours in a day – spare a thought for Luton teenager Sabath Shazia.

The last year has seen the 18-year-old successfully juggle: college exams; work experience; voluntary care work; and charity fund-raising - all while suffering the debilitating effects of Crohn’s disease.


Sabath Shazia. Picture available from [Bedford Today]

Her efforts have not gone unnoticed and she may soon have one more ball-in-the-air with a prize ceremony attendance.

Sabath has been put forward for a SkillsTrain Young Person of the Year (YOPEY) Award. Along with the best of Bedfordshire’s youth she will be in with a chance to win a £1000 cash prize – half of which is to be donated to a charity of choice.

The nomination comes from staff members at Luton Sixth Form College.

Business Studies teachers Sufian Sadiq and Bob James have both been left in awe by the A level Accounting student. She is: "an amazing role model for young people," they said. She has a: "personality and charisma which inspires everyone that she comes into contact with".

YOPEY aims to reveal, recognise and reward positive young role models like Sabath. It hopes to portray a more accurate picture of the younger generation - to reassure adults and to inspire others to give to the community.

These efforts are remarkable for one so young but made extraordinary because of her medical condition

It is the brainchild of former broadsheet editor Tony Gearing. The Hertfordshire father of two teenagers has seen the idea sprout and spread into 22 successful awards ceremonies over six counties.

Sabath’s strengths are evident in everything she does. These are organisation and time management. She uses these talents to help others as needed - home and abroad.

This was shown when she planned a fundraiser for victims of the November Bangladesh cyclone. £2000 was collected.

Closer to home a further £1400 was raised to help buy a new minibus for students with disabilities at the local specialist school Lady Zia Werner.

Ventures to raise money ranged from the traditional in bucket donations - to the lateral in: PlayStation, doughnut-eating and arm-wresting competitions.

Then there is the week-in and week-out help. Every Saturday Sabath can be found at Friends of Bright Eyes as a volunteer carer. The local charity provides support for young children with disabilities. She also uses her management accounts experience to help look after the organisation’s books.

On top of it all were her school studies and work experience at Clancy Computer Services every Friday.

Sabath may have now finished her college studies - but she shows no sign of slowing down

"How do you manage?" I asked amazed. "I have a strict routine and use my time wisely at home and at college," she said. More importantly: "I get a lot of support from my family".

Her cousin Farzana Azam, 29, is visiting from Manchester. "I’m really proud of her," she said. "All she does and what she has achieved. "She has always got a smile on her face. "If you saw her you would never know there was anything wrong".

These efforts are remarkable for one so young but made extraordinary because of her medical condition.

Crohn’s is a type of inflammatory bowel disease. It mainly affects the intestines but can affect any part of the gastrointestinal tract. Symptoms can include stomach pains, diarrhoea, constipation, vomiting and weight loss or gain. There is no known cure – only treatment options to control the symptoms. For Sabath this involves ten tablets a day and regular hospital visits.

"Sometimes I get very dizzy, tired and lazy," she said. But this can usually be fixed with a special energy milkshake. Her condition is under control today - but last year the situation was quite serious. I mentioned the Crohn’s: "How does it affect you?". "Oh that," she said. "It’s not very major".

Two-months in hospital and a further three-months off school suggest otherwise. Despite this she achieved the highest marks in class last year.

Sabath may have now finished her college studies - but she shows no sign of slowing down. She hopes to become a Chartered Accountant and soon starts an apprenticeship with Luton property management company Peverel OM.

In the meantime she has set up her own business. "It’s called Infinite Beauty," she said. I do Henna painting, bridal make-up and wedding photography. I’ve got business cards already and hope to set up a website.

If that weren't enough - she has just started work at Ash-Shams school in Luton. As a personal support teacher she will provide one-on-one student assistance.

"If you win the Bedfordshire Young Person of the Year – what will you do with the prize money?" I ask. "Split the money over various charities," she said.

I'm thinking she could book a holiday instead.

Nominations are now open for the 2008 Bedfordshire Young People of the Year Awards. Visit: www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25 and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

It’s all Character and Charity for ‘The Terrier’

His teacher thinks he is: "a live wire"; His football team nickname is: "the terrier"; and his father calls him a: "little fighter".

You could be forgiven for thinking they were all describing former Chelsea footballer Denis Wise rather than Hazlemere eleven-year-old Gregory Frost.

It’s a comparison the enthusiastic and likeable young Arsenal fan is sure to screw his nose up at.

The year-seven student from Sir William Ramsay School in High Wycombe is in contention for upto £1000 cash in the SkillsTrain Young People of the Year (YOPEY) Awards.

His mother Alison is elated by the nomination "We are very proud of him," she said.

YOPEY Buckinghamshire was set-up two-years-ago to reveal, recognise and reward positive young role models. It hopes to portray a more accurate picture of the younger generation to reassure adults and inspire other young people to give to the community.

It all requires strengths of character that would fully test an adult – let alone a young man

It is the brainchild of former broadsheet editor Tony Gearing. The Hertfordshire father of two teenagers has seen the idea sprout and spread into 22 successful awards ceremonies over six counties.

Greg has been recognised for his recent charity work and positive attitude in the face of adversity. He was put forward by his teacher Sarah Allen. "This young man is an inspiration to us all," she said. "[He] is always happy, he doesn't moan and he just wants to help others achieve their goals".

Greg suffers from Arnold Chiari Malformation (ACM) Type 1. His father Howard has been also afflicted. The condition sees part of the brain dip in to a cavity next to the spinal cord. Along with fatigue and aches, the pressure often causes migraine type headaches. It is a pain that both Howard and Greg describe as: "wearing a swimming cap several sizes too small".

School rules mean that Greg wears a safety helmet when active. According to his teacher Sarah, that is: "most of the time". His father says it is similar to the one worn by Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Čech.

It does single him out as different to his peers. His parents are conscious of the fact. "We are trying to find the balance between protecting him physically and mentally," Howard said. If the ACM weren’t enough, Greg is small for his age and suffers rhinitis – which results in a constant runny nose.

It all requires strengths of character that would fully test an adult – let alone a young man.

Because of his conditions Greg has developed maturity and empathy beyond his years

Greg seems oblivious to all these concerns. He sees these factors as more inconvenience than impediment. "It makes me a bit angry, he said. "It stops me doing some sports I like doing. It’s quite annoying."

His nickname may be well deserved. The Penn Rangers with ‘the terrier’ in defence recently won an U12’s six-a-side football tournament. They didn’t concede a goal the entire competition.

Because of his conditions Greg has developed maturity and empathy beyond his years. When he saw Children in Need on television: "he wanted to do something about it," his father Howard said.

He roped in his mate Elliott and together with their school’s support - they organised a charity fun run. Teachers and students all took part and nearly £400 was raised.

Buoyed by the success, he has future plans for what sound like a carnival. There’ll be a fun race, face paint, games and sponsored sport, he said. Money raised will go to: "lots of different charities".

My thoughts on the matter are - try stopping him.

Nominations are now open for the 2008 Buckinghamshire Young People of the Year Awards. Visit: www.yopey.org for details and to see the latest nominees and previous winners.

Anyone can apply – this includes young people themselves. Nominees must be aged between 10-25 and give to others at home or abroad.

Applications can also be made by post. Send a SAE to: Young People of the Year, PO Box 103, Hare Street, Ware SG9 0XD for an entry form.

YOPEY Hertfordshire

There is more to today's youth than ASBOs and attitude. YOPEY reporter Steve Cooke got to meet some remarkable young people who just might change the world

On the day Herefordshire’s youth were celebrated for their contributions to communities home and abroad - the Guardian front page reported that the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has urged the Police to harass anti-social youths. [Guardian]

For some perspective she might have done better to visit Hertford County Hall.

On Thursday the 08th of May it was the venue for 20 young finalists made-up of 14 entrants in the combined Skillstrain Hertfordshire Young People of the Year (YOPEY) and Youth Community Safety Awards.

Many were previous winners from local events attending the County Final. All competed for a share of the £5000 prize pool. In the spirit of the awards - half of each prize gets donated to a charity of choice.

Dignitaries, sponsors, family and friends made-up a 300 strong audience. A chain gang of county Mayors filled the front row.

Together they listened to tales of courage, maturity, devotion, tenacity, altruism, ambition, enterprise, initiative, passion, creativity, energy, community spirit and civic pride.

Many stories were linked by common threads. Of the support given by family, friends, colleagues and strangers - but also of triumph over personal obstacles; age prejudice; and the negative youth images peddled by many in the media. Hurdles that would intimidate most adults.

Her efforts paid for three carers in a Romanian Orphanage. She also learnt Spanish to help street children in South America

The Queen was represented at the event by the Lord Lieutenant for Hertfordshire. The Countess of Verulam, Dione Grimston noted dryly that: "volunteering was compulsory in my day".

There was no such coercion today and this made each entrant entirely remarkable.

All the finalists received enthusiastic applause. None more so than Lauren Waterman. The Newgate Street Village 19-year-old won the £2000 top prize. She was described as a one-woman-fundraising-army. She could be found on manoeuvres at Moorgate Station from 5am collecting donations for a North London Hospice. Other fund-raising ventures included cabaret dinners, Pop Idol competitions and selling Liverpool Football Club merchandise on eBay. Her efforts paid for three carers in a Romanian Orphanage. She also learnt Spanish to help street children in South America. Her experiences in Ecuador moved her to tears. "I use to cry at night, she said, "but I put on a brave face - otherwise you wouldn’t get any work done". Being the Hertfordshire Young Person of the Year means more than recognition: "It gives me credibility, she said. "It will help me with fundraising. If I write to a business like Tesco they are less likely to reject me because I’m just another teen".

From early starts to late finishes. Self-taught sound and light technician Gordon Clarke from Harlow works with twenty charities. He has volunteered over 400 hours and is often awake past 11pm to burn effects on to discs and the like. It doesn’t sound late until you remind yourself that he is only 17-years-old. Asked what he does in his spare time, he replies: "my A levels". For his efforts and assistance with the YOPEY event he was given a laptop computer as a special prize.

David King is an undertaker for the Cooperative. It is a profession that requires empathy and the ability to listen. The 22-year-old from Watford won £500 for his work with the mental heath charity the Guideposts Trust. He uses his talents to draw clients out of their shells and take them socialising. Many were apprehensive and anxious about the prospect. Asked what inspires him, he replied: "The people I see on a daily basis".

Her responsibilities mean she often puts her family before herself and her school work. The pressure was immense and took its toll. Coral attempted suicide and was subject to a series of behaviour related school exclusions

A recent survey by Carers UK says that carers save the treasury £87 billion a year. They sacrifice relationships, finances, health and even identity in their role. Many were present this evening.

The website Children of Addicted Parents and People, or COAP, was founded by Emma Speigler. The 25-year-old from Kings Langley won £500 for bringing the problem of addiction to greater prominence. Emma’s mother suffered from alcoholism. Emma would sometimes have to carry her upstairs. To cope with the situation she dabbled with cannabis. The Judges recognised that she had been to hell and back and congratulated her for using her experiences to bring others back from the brink.

Sophie Dakakni, 18 and Rikki Davies, 17 won a holiday to Aqua City in Proprad, Slovakia. They set-up the Young Carers Chill-out Club. It provides care for carers through support networks and the chance to have a break from their responsibilities.

It is facilities like this that are invaluable for carers like Coral Tott, who won £500. The Hatfield 15-year-old has helped to look after her family from the age of ten. Some days her mother is unable to stand due to thrombophlebitis while her brother’s coordination is affected by Dyspraxia. Her responsibilities mean she often puts her family before herself and her school work. The pressure was immense and took its toll. Coral attempted suicide and was subject to a series of behaviour related school exclusions. The most serious involved knife possession. With support from the Hertfordshire Young Carers, Coral has tuned her life around. She now looks to the future with optimism and hopes to become a physiotherapist specialising in hypermobility.

Sponsor and judge Mr. Jan Telensky from SkillsTrain quoted Mark Twain when he said: "When I was 18 my father knew nothing about sex. When I was 25 he knew a lot". It was a nod to Youth Community Safety Award winner Katie-Louise Peacock. The 15-year-old from Cheshunt recognised that it was not easy for many teens to talk with their parents about sensitive subjects. She won the £1000 top prize after she secured funds and helped implement iText for the charity Herts Aid. It is a text message service that offers teens confidential and anonymous advice on safe-sex drugs and alcohol.

Five peer educators from Verulam School in St Albans won £500 for their contribution to youth education. Sam Killin, Peter Sutton, Aimee Woods, Jack Sparrow and George Allcroft from took time out from the A levels to teach kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Lessons also included advice on safe sex and relationships.

Broxbourne Yopey Junior Winner Dan Ryan made the county final after he risked his life to rescue a woman from under a train

The contributions made by the young were not limited to social issues. Finalist Chloe Tingey turned the popular children’s book Jammy Dodgers Go Underground into a musical with a cast and crew of nearly 80. Helped by her sister Tabby, The 16-year-old from Bishops Stortford wrote 15 original songs and composed music for the orchestra. She had to overcome many doubters along the way. "People want to shoot you down if you put your head above the parapet," she said. But all were proved wrong as the performances were meet with standing ovations. The musical raised over £3,800 for special schools in Rwanda and Romania.

Air Cadet Lewis Stockwell was well supported on the night by colleagues and friends in uniform. The 17-year-old was credited with helping to reform the Hitchin ATC drum marching band. He teaches cadets, composes songs & routines and raised money to replace 20-year-old equipment. He also composed a song and raised £1,800 for a school friend diagnosed with Leukaemia. This is all despite suffering severe stomach and intestinal problems himself.

Other finalists were Jamie Knife from Chalfont St Giles. The 17-year-old secured a £100,000 grant to transform a playing field for the villages of West Hyde & Maple Cross. The area will be something positive for young people rather than standing on street corners, he said.

Daryl Cross and Dean Maxen raised money for a youth shelter. As a result anti-social behaviour in their area has been cut by 70%. The 16-year olds from Welham Green believe the media gives youths a hard time. "It’s got an attitude," said Daryl. "Older people think we don’t care". Asked what they would do with the prize money if they win they both agree: "Buy new goal posts for the local sports field".

Broxbourne Yopey Junior Winner Dan Ryan made the county final after he risked his life to rescue a woman from under a train at Rye House station. The 16-year-old from Hoddesdon He broke his arm in the process. He jumped on the track "out of instinct," he said.

The night was remarkable not only for the stories - but for the naked honesty in which they were told

Aaron Higgs was not present for the awards ceremony. The 17-year-old from Hemel Hempstead gives up his time to coach and administrator Hemel Stags Rugby League Club. He was represented by two youngsters that he coaches.

The night was remarkable not only for the stories - but for the naked honesty in which they were told. It made for an unenviable task to decide the winners. Host Councillor and judge Nigel Brook said: "I’ve never had a harder task in all my life. "They are a remarkable lot".

As a surprise all finalists received a prize of at least £50.

It was inspiring to witness the next generation mould the future in their image – one of idealism and action. The evening was a testament to the power of redemption and a showcase for what can be achieved with the right support. "If anyone tells me the youth of today are not up to it – I will argue with them." said Nigel Brook.

Perhaps he could have a word with Jacqui Smith.

Olympics Boycott

I'm right behind an Olympics boycott.

Any government that: Illegally sells weapons to oppressive dictatorships ^[1][2][3] Illegally invades foreign countries ^[4] Is responsible for human-rights abuses ^[5] Curtails freedom of speech and peaceful protest ^[6] And is one of the world's biggest polluters ^[7] - doesn't deserve them.

Mind, if the 2012 games were taken-off London because of the UK government - who else could host them?


REFERENCES

^[1] UK sells chemical weapons to the world; Breaking international law
Sunday Herald 09 June 2002
^[2] Saudi Arabia buys 72 Eurofighters
BBC 18 August 2006
^[3] The 'trainer' jet the UK loves to hawk
BBC 29 May 2002
^[4] Iraq war illegal, says Annan
BBC 16 September 2004
^[5] EU: Don't turn a blind eye to UK human rights abuses
Amnesty International 23 February 2006
^[6] Activist convicted under demo law
BBC 07 December 2005
^[7] Top 20 Emitting Countries by Total Emissions for 2004
U.S. Department of Energy 2004

Labour's Weekend at Bernie's

I wonder if the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Prime Minister have ever seen Weekend at Bernie's.

The comparisons are eerie.

In the film, two guys use elaborate tricks to cover-up a death so they can continue the party of a lifetime.

In real life, Alistair Darling and Gordon Brown are desperate for the party to continue - the New Labour Party.

They have 50 billion tricks to prop up the economy - and possibly billions more.

Why don't we just pretend the economy didn't die? Just for a bit!

Public money is lent to the banks - at bargain basement rates – who then lend it back to the public - at a profit.

To hide the extent of their deceit the money is packaged as bonds.

Money desperately needed for public transport and hospitals is used for private mortgages - to prevent a property market collapse.

What is more, potential homeowners are priced-out-of-the-market or forced to accept higher repayments because the intervention artificially inflates house prices.

A market correction looms large. The current cash injection serves only to delay the inevitable. The stench from the rotten corpse will eventually give the game away. Although Labour hopes not yet. There's an election next year after all.

Taking the Pis

Who would like to go to Brussels for an afternoon? Lunch is included. My hand shot up into the air. It’ll come out of your annual leave. It didn’t matter. It was a chance to experience standard & business classes on Eurostar and visit the recently renovated St Pancras International train terminal.

St Pancras is the patron saint of cramps. Presumably his inclusion into Vatican middle management is to prevent the CEO being bothered over relatively trivial matters. I invoked his name as I walked hundred of yards in search of The Meeting Place - a 27-foot-high bronze statute of a couple locked in an intimate embrace. I had expected it to be the iconic centre-piece of a glorious open space. I eventually discovered it on the upper-level against a wall and out-of-sight from the public below. It is a testament to the terminal size that a massive statue can be so well hidden.

It is also quite an achievement to take a spectacular space and turn it in to a comparatively claustrophobic mouse maze. The enclosed ground-level arcade hides most of the 100-foot-high canopy. The thoroughfare is then used by commuters to get between domestic rail and London Underground. Departure boards are miniaturised to fit into the available space. A few bottle-necks are added for good measure. The end result is a boutique chain store grotto full of fast-moving people more interested in getting home than leisurely browsing for ice cream flavoured lip balm. Then there are the marketing gimmicks. Europe's longest champagne bar is the length of a football field. If you've ever had trouble getting a drink at your local pub - you'd be stuffed at this joint. Not to mention the hike to the loo.

In Paris they have the Eiffel Tower. In Rome, the Colosseum. In Brussels it’s a two-foot statue of a boy with his cock out pissing next to the pavement

However away from the nonsense and far from the madding crowd a corner of calm can be found. Carluccio’s Italian café and restaurant sits on the upper level next to The Meeting Place statue. It is here you can benefit from the open space that the original architect, William Barlow, envisioned. It’s the only reason I would go St Pancras – other than to catch a train.

There are many reasons to use Eurostar over an airline. City to city it’s faster; you can take your bag with you and nobody makes you take-off your shoes. The whole malarkey from check-in to train-seat takes less than ten minutes. Details can be found at: Eurostar Check-in

Best of all - your arse is never more than a few feet from the ground. Not that I suppose it matters much at 186 miles an hour - you may as well be flying. The non-stop Eurostar services to Brussels take 1hr 51m. About the same time it takes to get from Central London to Heathrow on the tube - on a bad day that is. To pass the time Premier Business has continental and UK sockets for laptops. Standard Class has them too - but only in coaches 5 & 14.

If the Manneken Pis were in London - he would be subject to an Anti Social Behaviour Order and those who take his photo placed on the Sexual Offenders Register.

Eurostar Meal Deals can be bought in Standard Class. £5.50 buys the Classic - sandwich, crisps and water. Nice but pricey. It's some way off the gold standard set by the Boots Meal Deal. In Premier Business a hot meal is complimentary. I allegedly ate the veal. I didn't bring my magnifying glass so I can't be sure. Still the wine was lovely.

Eurostar is not only fast – but environment friendly. Journeys are now carbon neutral. What is more Eurostar will: further cut CO2 emissions per traveller journey by reducing the power consumption on its rolling stock [and] making even better use of train capacity ^[1]. Translated this means: Turn-off the air conditioning and cram more people into fewer trains. They'll have people standing soon. You would think that climate change is a man-made phenomenon. How that reconciles with the fact that the sun is getting hotter and melting icecaps from Mars to Pluto ^[2][3][4] is anyone’s guess.

We arrived into Bruxelles Midi early afternoon then took a local train to Bruxelles Central. Brussels is bi-lingual so everything is in French and Flemish. From there it is a short walk to the Grand Place/Grote Markt. Some places don’t live up to their name – like Great Smeaton or Brest. The Grand Place is literally a grand place. And a grote markt. The imposing 15th century gothic town hall, now the Hôtel de Ville, dominates the large cobbled market square. Nearby sit the baroque colonnade guild houses that prop each other up like drunken burghers. Adjacent is the classical façade of The House of the Dukes of Brabant. Opposite lays the neo-gothic Maison du Roi, rebuilt in the 19th Century. Architecturally The Grand Place is such a mix-mash of styles that if it were a dog - it would be a mongrel. A pedigree mongrel mind. It has been designated a UNESCO World Heritage Site. You can see why.

	The Meeting Place at St Pancras Station. A 27-foot-high bronze statute of a couple locked in an intimate embrace

From The Grand Place we made our way to Rue de Bouchers. A dark narrow cobbled street full of restaurants. We walked past and around tables of people and under neon signs next to 17th century stepped gables. Belgium is renown for its seafood. I passed half of it on the way to our restaurant. Some of it watched me. I don’t trust Lobsters. Their eyes are too close together. We had lunch at Aux Armes De Bruxelles. They’ve served food since 1921. It shows. The boil the shit out of the potatoes technique is still used in my family to this day. If it weren’t for the cheese croquets and the smartly dressed waiters - it could have been a family lunch. For dessert we had Vanilla Ice with a fruit coulis. It sounds rather like a rapper with a pineapple stuck-up his arse than ice cream and jam. A little knowledge of 80s music and Latin can be a dangerous thing. Rue de Bouchers is worth a butchers for the atmosphere alone. The locals think it’s a tourist trap. They are right of course - but perhaps a touch cynical.

A short walk away is the national symbol of Belgium. In Paris they have the Eiffel Tower. In Rome, the Colosseum. In Brussels it’s a two-foot statue of a boy with his cock out pissing next to the pavement. If the Manneken Pis were in London - he would be subject to an Anti Social Behaviour Order and those who take his photo placed on the Sexual Offenders Register.

The Belgians are proud of their wee man. So much so they dress him up. Manneken Pis can be seen as everyone from John Malkovich to Santa Claus depending on the mood and the season. Oddly enough he has never been dressed as Oliver Reid – for which there would be a natural synergy. He has a girlfriend you know… Jeanneke Pis. She squats on the opposite side of the Grand Place. I love the Belgian sense of humour. It’s quirky and unpretentious. Very antipodean.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in a very down-under manner. We sat outdoors at The Grand Place supping dark beer, nibbling even darker chocolate and happily squinting into the mild spring sun.

It's easy to see why Brussels is the de-facto home of the European Parliament. Waiter, another Keizer Karel please...


REFERENCES

^[1] Eurostar launches climate change plan to make high-speed rail greener still Eurostar Press Release 17 April 2007
^[2] Mars Melt Hints at Solar, Not Human, Cause for Warming, Scientist Says National Geographic 28 February 2007
^[3] Orbiter's Long Life Helps Scientists Track Changes on Mars
NASA September 2005
^[4] Pluto is undergoing global warming, researchers find
Massachusetts Institute of Technology 09 October 2002

Matt Damon's Body Double

It's a movie called The Informant. It stars Matt Damon and we would like you audition to be his body double.

Now there's a telephone call you just don't expect to get.

Matt Damon's body double! I exclaimed out loud. My wife, who had passed me the phone, heard this - and fell about in hysterics. She pulled herself together sufficiently to run off and tell our flatmates. I understood. Any previous celebrity comparisons have been far less flattering. From Flabio to a fat Russell Crowe.

I was tourist number 40 and felt dead smart in trousers that nearly reached my nipples and braces that held them there

For three years now I've been registered with Universal Extras - a casting agency for movie extras, or as we like to say - background artistes.

It isn't the first audition I've be asked to attend. I might have been a space pirate had it not been for a cruel twist of ginger discrimination. I was not ginger enough.

Classic 50s garb on the set of Stone of Destiny

Director Tim Burton knocked me back thrice in the film Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The last time was the part of a bishop who gets his throat cut by Johnny Depp. I'm not so upset by missing this.

However luck was on my side for the feature film Stone of Destiny - which stars Robert Carlyle and is out this year. The role basically entailed dressing up in 50s garb and wandering about. I was tourist number 40 and felt dead smart in trousers that nearly reached my nipples and braces that held them there. The evening was spent on the arm of a glamorous Romanian woman. Our job was to cross the road outside Westminster Abbey. Repeatedly. The small talk was tough at times but I did find out she had a small part in a previous film - her hand. That was it. To mix things up we swapped partners and walked up and down the footpath. Repeatedly. From ten at night - until eight in the morning. The experienced background artistes bring their own shoes.

There was downtime between scenes. We got to hang out in the big blue double-decker Routemaster buses they arrange for the extras. There was also a mobile kitchen that provided hot meals. I got to meet some real characters - from a former maritime lawyer to a historical battle reenactment buff. People you wouldn't normally have a chance to meet. However the most memorable moment came once the shoot had finished. I spent the night swooning next to a Grace Kelly look-alike only for her to turn in to Little Britain's Vicky Pollard come home-time. Complete with pink nylon tracksuit and pineapple top ponytail. The shock was comparable to the twist in the The Crying Game.

For the filming and attending a costume fitting in Hendon - I got paid £150.00. They also gave me a retro 50's haircut - then paid me £30.00 for the pleasure.

I had an acting life of sorts before Universal Extras.

In 1995 I was one of three contestants on Blind Date with Cilla Black. I can't watch the episode without cringing and holding my face in my hands. When asked: If you could be a female profession - what would you be and why? My answer was: I'd be your babysitter so I could give you a good night kiss you'll never forget. Or something to that effect. I've tried to block it out. This is therapy of sorts. In my defence - you get less than an hour to think of your answers.

I was much better at the audition. When asked: What movie would you be and why? I said: I'll be Apollo 13 - because I'll take you to heaven and back...

Hard on the heels of Blind Date - an American friend reported that she saw my mate Jeff and I on an Episode of late-night TV show Eurotrash. We were at the Munich Bierfest. Possibly playing Twister in the bierhalls.

My acting career stalled until 2002. I was sitting in a pub when a casting crew asked to take my photo for an advertisement. They called my a few weeks later to come in for an audition. I think it was for pot noodle. Unfortunately I had just started a new job and couldn't make it.

I saw the ad on TV some time later. Police kick in the front-door of a flat to find an unshaven overweight man covered in food lying on a sofa surrounded by empty containers. At the time it would have required very little acting on my behalf. I was already in character.

With Matt Damon - it is an entirely different proposition. If I get the part - let's hope the CGI is up to scratch.

Train Trauma & Welsh Rarebits

You can’t take photographs, the ticket-gate attendant told me. It’s against the law. I was at Paddington Station taking a picture of a couple hugging each other goodbye under Brunel’s spectacular wrought-iron arches. It’s not against the law, I replied. Not to be discouraged she continued: you need permission from the station manager. I gave up at this stage.

It’s hardly surprising they are on edge. For years they let a South American vagrant lurk in the station’s nooks and crannies with his camera and glass jars full of sticky substances. Not to forget the unattended luggage. If Paddington Bear were around today, he would be carted-off to Paddington Green Police Station and charged under the Terrorism Act 2000. Or shot.

A couple hug under Brunel’s spectacular wrought-iron arches at Paddington Station

We were on our way to Wales for an Easter cycling / camping / hotel holiday. The plan was to get a train to Newport with a connection to Abergavenny. We would then cycle the five miles to a Bed and Breakfast in Glangrwyney - a hamlet romantically snuggled between the Black Mountains and the Brecon Beacons in the Usk Valley.

First we had to get our bikes on the train. First Great Western allow up to six bikes on most London to Swansea (via Newport) services – but this depends on the time and day. For details and to make a bicycle reservation free of charge (not compulsory, but advised) call FGW on 08457 000 125 (option 2, option 2). It is worth asking if there will be engineering works on the line as bicycles are not allowed on replacement bus services. More information can be found in the Cycling by Train PDF booklet

The manoeuvre had me virtually dry-humping the guy next to me. In any other context it would have been a sexual assault

We stowed our cycles in the front carriage – which happened to be a good 100 yards from the end of the train. I would advise anyone to get there early to avoid the palpitations caused by frantic and frenetic chords of the conductors' whistles. We jumped into the nearest carriage, which just so happened to be a good 100 yards from our seat reservations.
Once we had caught our breath a new situation became apparent. Four of us were wedged in a carriage door-well with little possibility of moving any further. I swivelled my hips into a gap and craned my neck to see that it was not only the door-well that was jammed - but the entire carriage aisle. The manoeuvre had me virtually dry-humping the guy next to me. In any other context it would have been a sexual assault.

The situation deteriorated into a farce when the driver announced that the seat reservation numbers on the train did not match those on the tickets. Not that it mattered for us anyway. He followed it up with a report that the buffet car was now open for refreshments. A chorus of snorts around us ensued. Even Spiderman would struggle to get there. Finally the doors had to be kept clear of luggage in case of an emergency. You couldn't make this up.

	The Westbury Horse in Wiltshire was the highlight of the train journey. The present incarnation may have been reshaped and had the original chalk replaced by white concrete – but it still has the wow factor. Not bad for ancient graffiti

Standing and snackless I began to feel anxious. The countryside was flying by at a rate of knots. I was used to the gentle roll of a suburban train - not the unbalancing sharp lateral movements of a 120 miles-an-hour high-speed train. These things have an unnerving habit of falling-off the rails in the UK. Were this to happen - put quite simply - we'd all be fucked.

The National Passenger Survey run by Independent rail consumer watchdog - Passenger Focus - puts First Great Western at the bottom of a UK passenger satisfaction league table. I can see why.

To let-off steam or to seek redress email First Great Western: fgwfeedback@firstgroup.com. For more information see their Complaints Handling Policy PDF.

It took nine pages of information to tell me that we could take our bikes on the trains from London to Abergavenny. I’m guessing that’s three or four more than it takes to actually drive the train

The one advantage of being stuck in a door-well is that you can pull down the window and take photos of the scenery. The Westbury Horse in Wiltshire was the highlight. The present incarnation may have been reshaped and had the original chalk replaced by white concrete – but it still has the wow factor. Not bad for ancient graffiti.

At Newport Station we disembarked for the next leg of our train journey - or so we thought. Fifteen years ago there was only one train operator. The then Conservative Government thought it would be a good idea to privatise British Rail. There are now twenty-six train operators in Britain - each with their own policies, procedures and guidelines.

It took nine pages of information to tell me that we could take our bikes on the trains from London to Abergavenny. I’m guessing that’s three or four more than it takes to actually drive the train.

Cycling alongside the Monmouth & Breconshire Canal between Newport and Cwmbran

Arriva Trains Wales Cycling by Train PDF booklet provides details on when and where cycles can be accommodated. The Newport to Abergavenny route is down to the conductor’s discretion. Unfortunately for us it was a discretion applied with a uncompromising fervour. One hour and two half-empty trains later we chose not to risk an entire afternoon on the platform and decided to cycle the 25 miles to Glangrwyney.

We were armed with a road atlas and ready to roll. We turned left out of the station and at the first intersection turned north onto the A4042. After a few hundred yards the manic road proved too much so we looked for an alternative route. It was then we got lucky. A cheerful Welsh couple directed us to a towpath next to a canal that runs all the way to Brecon via Abergavenny. The path doubles as National Cycle Route 46 and is signposted most of the way.

On reflection - no good could ever come of this. Two men dine on animal entrails then drive into the Black Mountains at midnight to stay at a medieval monastery in the middle of nowhere

It all started out pleasantly enough. We cycled between the water-way and high hedge rows - past and over moss covered stone bridges. Diffused rays of sun slashed through the trees and shimmered off the canal. The backdrop was a sky illuminated by slews of greys that rolled and melted into each other. I felt like I was in an oil painting. That was until the greys conspired and turned surly. Any serenity was swiftly dampened by the horizontal rain and blown away by the headwind. Miles of uphill undulation also took its toll. By the time we got to Pontypool we needed an emergency ingestion of Red Bull and chocolate digestives.

	The gatehouse cottage at the Glangrwyney Court Hotel surrounded by spring daffodils

The weather and fatigue created an urgency to get to our destination. We came off the canal path and hit the A4042. It was followed by a short stint up Heads of the Valleys Road, an under construction motorway covered in witches hats - or bollards as they are called in the UK. We rolled up to the hotel just after sunset. Four hours after we had started our journey.

The Glangrwyney Court Hotel is a small Georgian Mansion with manicured gardens set on four acres and surrounded by farmland. That's not where we stayed. Our accommodation was the rather more modest, but none the less cute, gatehouse cottage. A miniature version of the main house. Bookings can be made over the phone on 01873 811288 or by email: info@glancourt.co.uk.

The fly constantly rubbed against the tent body and made the swish-swish-swish sound that you might expect from a fast walker in a nylon tracksuit. It reminded me of my last visit to Chatham High Street

After we had settled-in and met up with our fellow holidaymakers we drove the two miles to Crickhowell for dinner. It was at The Bear Hotel I experienced Faggots for the first time - accompanied by gravy, mushy peas and chips. They are meatballs usually made from minced pig intestines flavoured with herbs and breadcrumbs. They are not as bad as they sound. Then again neither is scurvy. I watched with envy, slitty-eyed and sideways, while others ate their cod and venison.

Outside the mercury indicated the temperature was near zero. Plans to go camping were being reconsidered. It came down to a game of chicken. You can change your mind if you want to... If you go - I'll go... Back and forth. No one blinked - so we both went. It was a half-hour drive to Llanthony Priory. Eric had recently reconnected with nature. That's what he said anyway. I suspect the real reason was the opportunity to test out his new portable gas oven. I understood. I needed to restore my man-chi after being emasculated by one too many episodes of Sex and the City. That and so I could use my Swiss army knife for a reason other than my nails. I kissed my wife farewell and then set-off to the sound of Brokeback Mountain sniggers.

Llanthony Priory. The isolation and mountain backdrop give the monastery an eerie aura

On reflection - no good could ever come of this. Two men dine on animal entrails then drive into the Black Mountains at midnight to stay at a medieval monastery in the middle of nowhere. If it were a horror movie plot - it would be a laughable cliché.

Llanthony Priory was built by Augustian monks in the 12th century. It is set far up the Vale of Ewyas in the Black Mountains - about seven miles north of Abergavenny. All that remains today are ruins. These combine with the isolation and mountain backdrop to give the monastery an eerie aura. Add an Easter full moon; howling wind; and intermittent snow flurries - and the aura becomes almost supernatural.

Nobody has messed with Switzerland since its soldiers were armed with a cheese-knife, cork-screw and tweezers. This is despite two European world wars

We pitched our tent in the icy half-light and enthusiastically headed for the Llanthony Priory Hotel. The moment we entered the subterranean grotto bar the lively din turned frosty. Twenty faces stared at us in silence. We had just interrupted a biker convention of sorts. We self-consciously shuffled to the bar. Two cups of tea please, I said. As our faces thawed so did the atmosphere and the conversations resumed. I looked around. This lot appeared more arthritic than angry. Then I don't suppose Hell's Angels go camping much.

Back at the tent the man-chi restoration began. I lay on my Therm-a-Rest inflatable mattress and curled up into a ball in my zero-rated sleeping bag. It wasn’t long before I felt the earlier cup of tea. As the pee-pangs intensified so did my determination to stay in the warmish fetal position. To say it was cold would be an understatement. Worse still - the wind relentlessly buffeted and warped the tent. The fly constantly rubbed against the tent body and made the swish-swish-swish sound that you might expect from a fast walker in a nylon tracksuit. It reminded me of my last visit to Chatham High Street. Both were the cause of a sleepless night.

	The Bear Hotel in Crickhowell

In the morning, bleary-eyed and chilled to the bone, I got-up to the throaty purr of a nearby motorbike. Perpetually cheerful Eric broke out the gas oven and we enjoyed a hot chocolate drink from a breakfast bowl, followed by boiled eggs. I excitedly used my Swiss army knife to pick off the shell. It got me thinking. Nobody has messed with Switzerland since its soldiers were armed with a cheese-knife, cork-screw and tweezers. This is despite two European world wars. I rationalised this with the thought that fondue-powered; half-cut; Swiss squaddies plucking enemy eyebrows would put the fear of God into any would-be invader.

Llanthony Priory lays next to Offa's Dyke Path - or as the Welsh like to call it Llwybr Clawdd Offa. Easy for them to say. Offa's Dyke is a 177 mile long trail that marked the old border between Wales and Anglo-Saxon England. It is one of 15 national walks in Britain. Every year thousands of people walk along the route. Not us. Not this time anyway. We climbed the hill that overlooks the priory to take photos. We patiently waited for the sun to peek through gaps in the layered and wind-churned clouds. With the realisation that it would not happen anytime soon - we snapped a few unsatisfactory shots and headed back for the drive to Glangrwyney.

There is an international flavour to this part of Wales. It’s in the names. You don’t have to go to Brazil or South Africa to climb the Sugar Loaf or see Table Mountain

Back at the cottage I had the chance to absorb the interior design. The owners must have drawn their inspiration from Antiques Roadshow - but shopped at Woolworths. It was a celebration of ersatz country kitsch. Mass produced painted plates and etchings adorned the walls. Chinese vases, tasselled lamps and fake flowers were omnipresent. I don’t image that even Alan Titchmarsh has a straw chicken effigy on his mantle. The Torvill & Dean biography on the bookshelf suggested the age of the usual cliental. All that was missing was a Charles and Diana commemorative biscuit tin. Strangely, there were no doilies to be seen anywhere.

In its defence I would say the decor is consistent. It has a homely feel – like a visit to my grandparents. The gatehouse has two double bedrooms; a kitchen/dining room; and a lounge. The best feature is the large bathroom and the massive bath. It costs £130 a night and accommodates up to four people. What is more, for an extra fiver per person – a full English cooked breakfast is available in the main house.

A sudden snow storm near Pontypool

We all contemplated the day ahead. The more energetic decided on a vigorous mountain walk. Others were happy with a leisurely ramble. I was the latter. We meandered through paddocks along the river Usk to Crickhowell. It was an afternoon of pub pool and the methodical demolition of Beef & Mustard crisps. Outside it was less orderly. The seasons were muddled. Naked trees, snow flecked peaks and an icy breeze said it was winter. Daffodils and spring lambs said otherwise. Magnolia blossoms said somewhere in-between as they began to unfold and stretch – several weeks behind those on my London street.

A languid day was followed by a lethargic evening in the rustic local pub. The Blue Bell Inn is a 17th century stone coach house that serves decent potions of gastro grub. We caught up with the rest of the group. They had been much more active. In fact they had completed a five-hour hike that included a snow blizzard white-out. The evening’s conversation took a similar tack and included foggy discussions well off the beaten track. Talk eventually turned to camping. You can change your mind if you want to... OK, I said. There was no back and forth this time.

Culture and crack are connected more than many give credit. Dali, for example, was off-his-head for sure

The following day we left the hotel late after a hearty breakfast. We decided not to risk the train journey to Newport. The cycle was pleasant and took half the time. The mood was relaxed. Even a snow-and-hail storm was met with good cheer.
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There is an international flavour to this part of Wales. It’s in the names. You don’t have to go to Brazil or South Africa to climb the Sugar Loaf or see Table Mountain. There are villages like Penperlleni that sound like a sparkling Italian mineral water and towns like Croes-y-Mwyalch that could come straight-out of a Harry Potter novel.

Back along the towpath we appreciated the birdlife. The canal was full of moorhens, coots, mallard ducks, white swans, Canadian geese and grey herons. It was also full of shopping trolleys and plastic bottles. I’ve sent a complaint to the local council. You can too: council@cwmbran.gov.uk

	A Grey Herron takes flight next to Cwmbran Canal

We stopped for a picnic on a canal lock bridge. It was here I saw a spectacular sight - a swan in full flight. It headed straight for us - up the enclosed tree lined canal. It was big. Really big. Their wingspan can be up to nine feet. For context - that’s the floor to ceiling height of an apartment.

We continued on our way and arrived at the train station early - chastened by our earlier Paddington mad-cycle-dash. Unfortunately not early enough to see the city. Newport is a Welsh cultural capital. It has a cathedral, castle and Roman history. It also has neon blue lights in the railway station toilets to deter drug use. Culture and crack are connected in more ways than many give credit. Dali, for example, was off-his-head for sure.

This time we knew where to wait on the platform. Or so we thought. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. It turns out they don’t turn the trains around at Swansea. The conductor explained this as if it were blindingly obvious - about ten seconds before the train was due to depart. We ran the 100 yards to the back of the train to the chorus of impatient, frantic and frenetic whistles. No wonder everyone hates cyclists.

Seated and settled on the train, I listened to the customer service manager’s safety announcement - read the seat back card, he said. If you are blind, a copy is available in brail. Please ask a customer service representative. It begs the question - if you are blind how are you going to find one? Fully sighted I struggled.

As the train flew through the English countryside I stared out the window. This is because the buffet car doesn’t sell newspapers or magazines. But enough of the petulant train traumas. I pulled out my Swiss army knife and did my nails. Lucky security didn’t see me do that at Paddington. With my camera and all – I might have spent a long weekend at Paddington Green Police station instead.

Camera Con

TESCOwl

Tesco advertising posters seem to have new tactics to shift clothes - attitude and edge.

Out is the cheer - in is the sneer. I like it. Mind, I can't quite tell if the model is about to attack or throw up all over me...

Bloody Lazy Aussies

Aussies will have you believe that they are the most active people in the world. They're lying, and here's the proof. The dustmen don't event get out of their trucks.



Double click to activate

New Use for Air Sickness Bags

Does obtrusive advertising make you want to spew?

Don't throw-up – stick-it-up them

Flying Virgin Blue in Australia - you can either pay to view TV or watch hours of car insurance adverts instead. There is now a third option...



Mind, now we have to stare at an advert for digital photo processing...

Porno for Pyros Promenade

In Australia they name their streets after rock bands like ACDC.

Let’s hope Porno for Pyros never make it really big.

Mafraq Hotel [review]

If the four-star Mafraq Hotel in Abu Dhabi were a person it would be Barbara Cartland. At night the 19th and 21st centuries collide when what looks like an Arabian fortress is lit up with enough neon to make even a Las Vegas hotelier cringe. While the description may be true it is possibly an injustice. The Mafraq is a tidy and pleasant garden resort hotel only ten kilometres from the International Airport in the middle of the desert. It costs AED50.00 (about £7.00) in a luxury sedan to get there – and can be booked at the taxi office in the arrivals hall.

"The décor was that of modern contemporary furniture and art but rather let down by well worn carpet and borderline floral chintz bedspread and drapes"

The hotel itself was a mixed experience. We arrived just after midnight worn and tired after 20 hours of car, bus, plane, taxi and waited nearly 15 minutes to check-in for the single night while the three reception staff looked very busy. We were the only guests waiting. Check-out wasn't much quicker. The process isn't helped by the compulsory passport photocopying - but this isn't unique to the Mafraq.

Taken to our room it was a relief to discover a spacious and clean expanse after the long confinements. The décor was that of modern contemporary furniture and art but rather let down by well worn carpet and borderline floral chintz bedspread and drapes. A nice little balcony overlooked the gardens and pool. The bed was firm with crisp linen. There was no iron or hair-dryer. The bathroom was immaculate - big and clean with spotless tile grouting, large mirrors and a bidet. The bath itself was quite narrow. I feared I might become wedged and require emergency assistance.

"For the grown-ups the bar has happy hour from 1200 to 2000 hours. Enough time to get more than happy."

The buffet breakfast starts early at 0600 and lasts until 1030. It was one of the best I’ve eaten. A massive selection of fresh tropical and dried fruits beckoned. Melon pineapple, watermelon, mangoes, kiwifruit, paw paw – not to mention the old favourites such as banana orange and apple. Add croissants,Danishes, muesli, fresh milk and yoghurt to the cooked breakfast of sausages, bacon, eggs and hash browns. There is a good chance other guests may struggle with the bath as well.

The hotel itself has facilities that deserve more than a night’s stay. The leisure pool has a bar with a decent slide for kids that runs through a rocky outcrop. Other facilities include table-tennis, tennis, volleyball, badminton and a gym.

For the grown-ups the bar has happy hour from 1200 to 2000 hours. Enough time to get more than happy.

The hotel is a contradiction. Its interior design and formal staff give the impression of a business hotel but the leisure facilities and illuminations point to a family friendly resort. My best guess is that the Mafraq is hedging its bets by being both - with no obvious detriment to the other.

We made our reservation through booking.com and paid the hotel directly at check-out. The double room rate was AED719 (about £103) and included breakfast, service (10%) and tourist tax (6%). This is pretty cheap by Abu Dhabi standards.

The Mafraq's location and price mean I’d stay there again. Next time I'll bring my togs. As for all the neon - even Barbara Cartland was loveable.

Etihad Airways [review]

With competition for air passengers as fierce as ever – things have just got a little tougher for the established airlines. A new player has emerged from the Middle East. Freelance Journalist Steve Cooke reports on his experience of Etihad Airways, the flag carrier of the United Arab Emirates when he flew from London to Sydney in economy (Coral) class.

Etihad was voted the World’s Leading New Airline for three years in a row at the World Travel Awards between 2004 and 2006 - and it’s not difficult to see why. New planes; a decent seat-pitch; a state-of-the-art entertainment system; laptop plugs; a generous reward programme, cheap airfares and quick journey times. It ticks all the boxes.

"Within ten minutes we had checked-in and were ready to make our way airside"

It all didn’t start too well mind. My efforts to book seats over the Internet ended in abject failure as the website returned multiple error messages at the payment stage. A twenty minute call to the reservations department later my wife and I were ready to pack our bags. We booked our seats in advance and managed to get two side seats together on each leg from the planes 2-4-2 configuration. We were especially pleased with the £625 airfare for travel at the tail end of Chinese New Year. After days of research it was nearly £300 per person cheaper than the best alternative quote we’d received.

"It is also a forgotten luxury to be able to use stainless steel cutlery on a plane"

Etihad really set themselves apart from the moment we arrived at the airport. Within ten minutes we had checked-in and were ready to make our way airside. We boarded the new Airbus A340-600 to be awed by the 10.4 inch seat-back screen - the largest in the sky. Over 500 hours of movies and TV programmes kept us entertained. There were films for every taste - 74 of them. From classics and new releases to Asian, Arabian and European cinema. Then there were the 29 games. A repetitive strain injury beckoned. In between I worked on my laptop courtesy of the 110 volt plug under my seat. The socket needed an adapter for a UK plug which was provided free of charge by an air hostess. The 32 inch seat pitch competes with Emirates Airways and Singapore Airlines for size and beats the 31 inches offered by BA. All fall short of the 34 Inches offered by Air New Zealand. It was the little things that made a big difference. There were water fountains and frequent refreshments offered. The toilets had a window. I personally like the idea of a number two with a view - however my wife was more impressed by the full length mirror and moisturiser. It is also a forgotten luxury to be able to use stainless steel cutlery on a plane. The headphones plug was in the front of the arm rest and not in the side digging in to your leg. Etihad’s Frequent flier programme is one of the most generous in the sky. One round-trip to Australia is enough to earn you an Etihad Holidays Voucher worth USD 200. Two round-trips are enough for a free trip to Abu Dhabi. As for speed, the total flying time is 20 hours 55 minutes. Only 50 minutes slower than Qantas.

	A spectacular mosaic work of art doubles as the International terminal. Blue green and white tiles sweep under your feet and increase in size as they climb up the walls until they finally explode like fireworks above your head

If I had to nit-pick I would say that the side armrests are fixed and that there are only single arm-rests between seats. This is an issue for those who have to fight with a stranger for elbow rights. Also you can’t regulate your temperature as there were no individual air-con nozzles. However these issues are hardly unique to Etihad. In addition I was able to check-in online, but not print my boarding passes, which meant we had to check-in again at the airport. Finally Etihad only fly to Sydney and Brisbane – where for us our ultimate destination was Melbourne.

On the ground in Abu Dhabi the standard set continued. A spectacular mosaic work of art doubles as the International terminal. Blue green and white tiles sweep under your feet and increase in size as they climb up the walls until they finally explode like fireworks above your head. A dozen free Internet terminals are available, however I settled in at the Costa Coffee with my laptop and plugged-in to the UK socket. Free wireless Internet is available but unfortunately my browser was unable to make a connection. If I have one serious complaint it is the non-stop tannoy. It was so loud that it was difficult to hold a conversation. We eventually zoned-out from listening to it - which defeats its purpose. Plenty of plasma screens advised us when our connecting flight was boarding and we made our way to the plane. All the gates are visible from each other and only a short walk away. To make the process more seamless the UAE does not require passport holders from the UK, US, NZ, Australia and most West European countries to have a travel visa for a transit or stopover of up to 30 days.

All nit-picking and technical blips aside - with a few tweaks here and there, there is no reason why Etihad can’t compete for the top prizes including World's Leading Economy Class. They will be the first airline I check next time I travel to Australia. If I were Singapore Airlines or Emirates Airways – I’d be looking over my shoulder.

Airport Security Deregulation

Every time you and I go to an airport we have to pay the airport owners for the pleasure.

Take Heathrow for example. Currently £14.30 of every flight ticket surreptitiously ends up in the pocket of airport owners BAA. This is going-up to £17.60 from 01 April 2008.

This charge is used to pay for services such as airport security. It is compulsory and has no competition. Personally I would like to see it deregulated and open to competition. Market forces could then dictate the price charged by security operators based on the level of service provided.

BAA for example are content to herd the public like cattle through bottle necks and mazes of elastic ropes. The four separate queues mean that one has to travel a good 100 metres sideways to eventually move ten metres forward. This doesn't even include the queues for check-in or the bag drop.

Let Richard Branson provide Airport security. He's got his fingers in so many pies already one more couldn't hurt. The guy who checks your boarding pass could smile; the x-ray machine attendant could help you with your jacket and bag; page three hotties could wave the x-ray wand about and conduct pat-down searches; and dozens of leather sofas can be available for you to put your shoes back-on at the end of it all. Best of all there could be sufficient x-ray machines and staff to ensure a smooth and quick transition airside.

Now that would be worth paying £17.60

Sorry was the Hardest Word

It comes as no surprise to me that the knives are now out for Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. Connections to shady businessmen and the implication of guilt by association are doing the rounds.

After apologising for the state sanctioned kidnappings of aboriginal children enacted and overseen by previous governments (many children were taken from stable environments and put in orphanages based purely on race) – dismantling the previous administration’s legislation (such as work place agreements) and ratifying the Kyoto protocol on climate change – Mr. Rudd has put a lot of noses out of joint. None more so than the petulant leader of the opposition, Brendan Nelson, who constantly has a face like he’s sucking on lemons.

In addition populist accusations are flying thick and fast. I’m not sure why that is a bad thing or entirely true. If he were to be truly populist we would see Jimmy Barnes as Work and Pensions minister and Kylie Minogue as Minister for Women’s Affairs. Mind - we do now have former Midnight Oil lead singer Peter Garrett as Minister for the Environment, Heritage and the Arts…

I like Kevin Rudd - so I hate to be cynical. It appears that the sorry and the steps taken to right a wrong are sincere - but misguided.

The creation of a bi-partisan war cabinet and firm timelines to ‘close the gap’ between indigenous Australians and its newer inhabitants may improve: education, heath, and social equality - but at worst could be considered somewhere between assimilation and cultural genocide.

Has anyone asked Aborigines what they want? Is it a western education and lifestyle? Would they prefer to be in control of their own affairs? Could we have one state, two systems? It works in China.

In the big scheme of things little has changed. White Australians still determine what is best for Aboriginal Australians - whether they like it or not.

Virgin Blues

There is nothing more I like than a good rant so I almost relish the opportunity to be provided with an excuse.

I recently went out to Sydney airport early with my non-flexible ticket - optimistically hoping to get on an earlier flight to Melbourne.

At check-in it was [rather patiently I must add] explained to me that it was Virgin Blue policy not to allow time changes - although they reserve the right to put me on to another flight at my inconvenience. If I were put on the 1.30 departure instead of my scheduled 3pm departure chaos would ensue.

Business travellers would no longer pay hundreds-of-dollars over the odds for flexible tickets if they could just turn up at the airport and ask to be put on the next flight. If I were put on the earlier flight - Virgin Blue would go bankrupt. Well not quite in those words exactly – but that was the gist.

In addition it was possibly very un-Australian of me to make such a request when others had paid for the privilege. I suppose - when in Rome…

I travelled on the 3pm flight – which happened to be full.

Now I can't help thinking what would have happened if I were put on the 1.30pm flight.

Virgin Blue would have an extra seat on the 3pm with two hours to sell it.

A business traveller – with a fully flexible ticket – who couldn’t get on the 3pm flight because it was full, would have got a seat.

Oh, and I would have been happy.

So to recap: Virgin Blue lost money on a potential sale; annoyed a corporate client; and alienated a leisure traveller - all in one fell swoop.

Just to rub salt into wound they spent more time explaining why they couldn't make the change than it would have taken just to do it.

Dear, oh dear.

Did they know it's Christmas

The amount of Christian propaganda and misinformation in this song is staggering. If we believe the lyrics - Africa is a shithole. That is simply not true.

Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid
Lyrics by Bob Geldof (Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire)

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid: One billion people live in Africa [UN Website]. Apparently 39% of them are Christian [Wikipedia]. Even if you believe that - 600 million people may not know it is Christmas time - whether or not they are afraid is incidental.

At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade: What about the burning sun? (Mentioned later).

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy: We spread more than smiles. See below.

Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time: The UK certainly does throw its arms around. It is the second biggest exporter in the world. It is estimated that 60% of small arms end up in the hands of criminal gangs; rebels and civilians. Read the report: Small arms in Africa: Counting the cost of gun violence hosted on the United Nations website.

Even worse is the UK arms industry is subsidised by the government. This means you and I pay for the bullets and guns that child soldiers use to kill civilians.

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones: The other ones? Those who don't know it's Christmas time because they have tribal beliefs, no beliefs or other beliefs?

At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun, There's a world outside your window, And it's a world of dread and fear: Certainly is. The Terrorism Act (last updated 2006) means the UK Police can stop anyone for any reason - as our local newspaper photographer found out [Ealing Gazette ]. The harrasment doesn't end there. Photographers are even illegally stopped and searched [BBC].

Once detained you can be kept for up to 28 days without charge [Terrorism Act 2006]. The government wanted 90 days. Parts of Africa are more progressive in Human Rights than the UK. In South Africa the maximum for detention without charge for terrorism is two days [Guardian].

Anti-terror legislation is misused. Local councils use it to spy on families who apply for school places outside their catchment area [BBC News].

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears: Large sections of Africa get more rain than the (green) south east of England [Encarta]

And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom: err... you can read what you want in to that...

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you: Fear; no shade; weapons; no water; no food; no snow; dread & fear; bells of doom. Man - Africa sucks.

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time: You can go skiing in Africa from the very north - Morocco (Oukaimeden), to the very south - South Africa (Tiffindell)

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life (Oooh) Where nothing ever grows: Lots grows. Here in Europe we can eat and drink: Kenyan vegetables; Tanzanian fruit; Ethiopian coffee; Ivory Coast cocoa. We make Africa export the raw product so we - the rest of the world - can create jobs for ourselves processing it.

No rain nor rivers flow: Isn't the Nile the world's longest river?

Do they know it's Christmas time at all: Again, probably not.

Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone (Here's to them) underneath that burning sun: Only because all the shade has been removed.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all: Do they care?

Contempt of Court Urgent Review

After studying contempt of court for a law exam I'm left with the opinion it is time for an urgent review.

Contempt of Court’s equivocal definitions; random application; and systematic exceptions by the Attorney General could be considered to undermine the credibility of the judiciary and be seen as a contempt of court in itself.

Add decisions by the European Court of Human Rights against UK contempt rulings; then top it off with the AG and Law Lords conflict of interests in that they are part of the legislative executive and judiciary and the conclusion is self-evident.

It is not only time for an urgent review of the law of contempt - but who applies it and when.

Quality Coffee

Starbucks have signs in their coffee shops that say: "To protect the quality of our coffee we ask you not to smoke".

Never mind the lung cancer then.

London Underground Good Service

Beside the ticket gates at my station there is a sign that says: All lines are operating a Good Service.

London Underground defines Good Service as: No noticeable impact on your journey.

Yet, once again, my journey to central London took 50% longer than advised by London Underground's Journey Planner

A Minor Delay is defined as a: Noticeably longer journey time however, stay with your planned route.

It is my experience that London Underground operate in a permanent state of minor delay.

That's if you can get on the train in the first place.

It appears London Underground consider this good service.

Jesus is a Little-bit Gay

Jesus is a little bit gay - so said Jerry Springer the musical. That's OK said the High Court. [Sydney Morning Herald] It's not blasphemy. It's not like he was called a raving poof.

On another matter the Catholic Church has a similar view. The Vatican has decreed that: anyone with deep-seated homosexual tendencies need not apply to the priesthood. Those with only a transitory problem are, however, now welcome. [The Guardian]

Translated it means the state and the church give licence to deities and aspiring representatives of God on earth to drive on the other side of the road - but only briefly.

I don't think we've heard the last of this. JC's peeps may still have legal recourse in the form of malicious falsehood. As an added extra - legal aid would be available.

Mind you - they would have to prove the words were false, malicious and there was a loss of income.

He hung out with twelve blokes; wore a dress, and was a wine drinker; the words were said in jest; and crucifix sales have gone through the roof now he's got the pink vote.

Oh, and he's dead.

In all seriousness - it is interesting to note that the High Court decision has not made to the mainstream UK press. I found it on Reuters and the Sydney Morning Herald websites.

Christian fundamentalism is obviously not newsworthy in the UK.

Sudan Shit-storm

I wonder what people in The Sudan think of us here in the United Kingdom?

Hard on the heels of the shit-storm caused by an English primary school teacher in The Sudan who named a class teddy bear Muhammed - an Irishman, possibly born to unmarried parents, in the UK has been given a 12 month suspended jail sentence after being convicted of racially aggravated disorderly behaviour. [Daily Mail]

His crime – he called his Welsh victim English.

In fact, in a creative linguistic pique, he called her an English bitch.

Personally I'd be more offended at being called a dog - but that's just me.

On that subject, it appears that there is no statute in law to protect real animals from slander - where as stuffed animals do enjoy certain rights...

Coffee Complication

When did life get so confusing?

These days you need a modern languages degree to order a coffee in London. I may be revealing my age, but I remember when you would walk into a café and say: “coffee please,” and the only decision you had to make was how many sugars (four please).

Now I burn as much brain power as I would doing a sudoku puzzle figuring out whether I want a: massimo mochaccino; supremo latte; venti cappuccino or grande espresso

Next week’s: When did life get so confusing? – TV channels.

How I sold my soul for sneakers

I recently bought a new pair of trainers from JJB Sports in Ealing. I tried them on, decided they were a good fit, so I ripped the tag off and told the shop assistant I would wear them. You can’t do that, he said. - Say what? - It’s store policy, I have to put them in the box.

I took the trainers off – put my old shoes back on and walked to the front of the store. I paid for the footwear, took my old shoes back off and put my new trainers back on. I then handed the packaging to the till assistant. I can’t take that, she said. - Say what? - It’s store policy - there’s a rubbish bin outside. The rubbish bin was already full by the way.

Of course I’m complicit in this entirely ludicrous situation by accepting what were clearly ridiculous instructions. The whole episode got me thinking. If people (myself included) are prepared to accept such orders from teenagers indoctrinated by the JJB corporate manifesto, then they will accept orders from anyone.

For me, it was down to convenience. I couldn’t be bothered looking for another pair of shoes. But whether it is apathy or blind obedience – the outcome is the same.

In this case - landfills will get bigger; rubbish bins will continue to overflow; and teenagers will continue to boss grown-ups around.

I have knowingly sold-out my dignity, grown-ups and the planet for cheap, comfy, smart, gel-cushioned, silver trim with gold blaze sneakers.

If these are the actions of a bolshy cynic – what can we expect from the majority who are good natured optimists?

Northern Rock Shock

Customers are queuing around the corner to withdraw their savings from the troubled Northern Rock Bank.

This is despite Bank of England governor - Mervyn King; chancellor - Alistair Darling; and Northern Rock chief executive - Adam Applegarth all ‘appealing for calm,’ and telling investors and savers: ‘not to panic’.

Such statements could be considered disagreeable. They pigeonhole anyone who wishes to exercise caution as ignorant at best and hysterical at worst.

What savers need is meaningful information that can be used to make informed decisions.

Northern Rock’s current financial situation is opaque.

The Bank of England will not disclose the size of the loan made to Northern Rock, the interest rate, the conditions attached or the repayment terms. Chief Executive Adam Applegarth has made a vague profit warning for 2007 and will not give a forecast for 2008. And if Northern Rock is in such good shape why won’t other banks lend it money?

If the global credit crunch or illiquidity crisis continues (choose your cliché) as many analysts predict – how is Northern Rock’s business model supposed to operate?

Didn’t the band keep playing as the Titanic sank? Didn’t The Iraqi Information minister tell the world: "there are no American troops in Baghdad" as black smoke rose behind him and American tanks drove past yards away? Didn’t Kenneth Lay say: "There are no accounting issues, no trading issues, no reserve issues," as Enron was sliding into the world's biggest bankruptcy?

It’s little wonder savers are cynical. Rather than a panic, we are witnessing rational people making sensible decisions to preserve their savings.

Police rob bank and shoot people

On Thursday evening an Evening Standard advertising board read: Police shoot two in bank robbery.

What I want to know is why were the police robbing the bank in the first place?

Newspapers as a Threat

London Underground made the following announcement this morning: For your safety and security, please do not leave newspapers at the top and bottom of the escalators.

"Safety and security," is a metaphor used by government bodies to justify CCTV or armed police. So it is interesting that it now extends to discarded copies of the Metro.

The physical risk of injury from the Metro also extends to its content. Nobody should be assailed by multiple images of Madonna’s 'purple penetrator' vibrator.

Luxury Life for Kangaroos

Australia's military is considering moving thousands of kangaroos to air-conditioned comfort at a cost of over A$3,600 each. [Reuters]

what next...

Child number 17

A mother is about to give birth to her 17th child.
[Fox News]

Now I don't want to say too much - but I think this will be an easy birth.

Boots Meal Deal Spiel

Boots make their sandwich packaging from: renewable sources, that are: biodegradable and compostable.

They say this is because: we want to keep our planet in as good shape as your body.


We’re all stuffed!

London Eye to be renamed

Gordon Brown has announced his first act as Prime Minister will be to nationalise the London Eye. It is expected to be renamed the Brown Eye.

Argentina to win RWC

Ladbrokes offer 66/1 for Argentina to win the Rugby World Cup.

Not bad odds. Argentina have beaten England, France, Scotland, Wales and Italy in the last few years. The only six nations country they haven't beaten is Ireland. Even then they only lost by one point.

Add the fact they drew with the British and Irish Lions in 2005 then later narrowly lost to the All Blacks 19-25

Worth a sneaky £10 if you ask me.

Ladbrokes > Sports > Rugby Union > World Cup

Stamps as Legal Tender

The Bank of England has confirmed to me: "stamps are NOT legal tender."

This is a shame.

The anarchy created by the upcoming: Scottish Sandwich Slaughter, due to England retailers' refusal to accept Caledonian cash, could have been best avoided by using United Kingdom stamps instead.

A chance to legally inconvenience offending stores.

"One foot-long, that'll be 13 first-class' and a second class please."

Just as long as the Scots don't commission their own designs...

The Scottish Sandwich Slaughter

I live with two Scots and nothing makes their blood boil like a shop that refuses to take Scottish money.

So when Subway refused to take my housemates money, even after they had made his sandwich - in a nationalist pique he accused them of being racist.

In the end he got a sandwich for free.

It turns out Subway staff, perhaps understandably, have only been trained to spot English Sterling note forgeries.

Full training would require them to learn the distinct characteristics of notes produced by each region of the United Kingdom and its Crown dependents, such as:

• The Bank of England
  
• The Bank of Scotland
  
• The Royal Bank of Scotland
  
• Clydesdale Bank
  
• Bank of Ireland
  
• First Trust Bank
  
• Northern Bank
  
• Ulster Bank
  
• The Isle of Man
  
• States of Jersey
  
• States of Guernsey
  

The Bank of England website says of the matter: Are Scottish & Northern Irish notes legal tender? In short ‘No’ these notes are not legal tender; only Bank of England notes are legal tender but only in England and Wales.

Whether or not notes have legal tender status, their acceptability as a means of payment is essentially a matter for agreement between the parties involved. [1]

This however hasn’t satisfied my housemate.

There a touch of Robert the Bruce in his eye and he’s considering a battle against the English on the scale of Bannockburn.

Bus loads of Scots will be bussed south of the border armed with Caledonian cash to swamp Subway from Carlisle to Crantock.

If their money isn’t considered good enough - then a thousand foot-longs will lay slain in the bins of Blighty.

Forget the Boston Tea Party.

We’ve got the Scottish Sandwich Slaughter to look forward to.

[1] Bank of England, FAQs, Available from: http://www.bankofengland.co.uk [Accessed: 09 Jan 07]

Housemate Hunt

Advertising for a house-mate in London is like ordering a kebab at 2am on a Saturday morning – you can never be sure of what you will get.

We discovered this when a girl came to our front door with a full suitcase and a wad of cash. "Where have you come from I asked"? "South East Asia," she replied. Literally it turns out. She had just got off the plane.

She was soon followed by a West African modeller and a priest...

My favourite was the exigeante 20 year-old French school-assistant who emailed: "a lot of wishes". Unfortunately none of them come true. For me anyway.

At the end of it all we settled on a physiotherapist from Reading.

To this day I still don't know if the modeller was of the Vogue or Airfix variety.

Parrots to take over the world

One of my university lecturers reckons if there is a nuclear holocaust - parrots will take over the world.

Very few creatures have opposable thumbs and are intelligent enough to play.

I'm going to clean my cockatiel’s cage more often.

Lost in the Post

I went in to the Post Office the other day.

The man in front of me was talking on his mobile phone. The lady behind the counter asked him: Can you please turn your phone off as it interferes with our computers.

I can understand why mobile phones are banned on aircraft - because they interfere with the navigation system - but at the Post Office?

Actually, come to think about it - It would explain why so many letters go missing...